Okay guys this is my first crack at poetry. Do not be alarmed at my mental state, but I am really mad at a piece of legislation and the closing down of crisis clinics in my area. Here it is "Clinic":
I am cut open like a trout
Feast upon the entrails
Consume the bloody mass
Picking the lillies by the day
War became an open day
Sometimes I believe in god
Sometimes not
Willow, willow
I was eviscerated by the tree
They feast upon my lillies
They gut me like a trout
I watch as they slowly let me die
I watch as the monsters eat my entrails
Sometimes I believe in god
Mostly not
There is a knight who should save me
Sometimes a fairy comes my way
Both do not cut off my head,
But leave the scourge to eat my entrails
There is war
I pick lillies as the soldiers go by
No coat hangers to rid the baby inside
They gut me like a trout
Entrails soaking the lillies
The unwanted child allowed to die
Sometimes I believe in god
Forever not
I think this is really good Cylon, especially for your first attempt. I definitely feel your emotions.
ReplyDeleteOn a form level I have a couple notes: I wouldn't end the 5th line with day, right after you end the 4th line with day too. I would also stick to the format of "sometimes I believe in god" being a part of the stanza and then the modification of that statement in its own stanza. (You do this for the first and last, but not the middle one, so I'd make it fit with the others.)
Otherwise its a good, very graphic and emotional poem. And I'm sorry that this is happening.
I really like the repetition of "sometimes I believe in God, sometimes not." I also really appreciate the interesting comparison between the lilies, the willow, and the entrails.
ReplyDeleteI was a little offset by the "no coat hangers to rid the baby inside" just because I don't think you say what this poem is about so explicitly elsewhere.
But I love the idea of a poetic response to legislation. Very nice.
Dang it, I posted it, and now it's gone! WHAT IS UP WITH THIS, BLOGGER?
ReplyDeleteAnywho:
I'm no good at poetry. I think I've mentioned this in previous poetic posts, but I'll do my best to convey the feelings I get when I read your poem.
The images in your poem is lovely and gritty, which gives off the image of death and despair. However, as Cerasi stated before, the "no coat hangers" line was a big shock. Whether or not you want that big WHACK at your reader's head is up to you, but it won't always have such positive reaction to that negativity. (Does that make sense...?) As for me, it threw me out of the poem and then you returned to vague, dark images.
What you could do to remedy that is to either have equally explicit language somewhere else in your poem, or make that line less explicit.
It's a lovely start for a poem!