Linked While Torn

I finally finished is today!  This is a continuation of the series of poems I started with Beautifully Broken.  Like that one, this is another 3-part sonnet.  And again, Blogger is being poopy about formatting.  Imagine the "Torn to Pieces" section is flush on the left side.  And that there is only one line of space between the title and the body.



Linked while Being     Torn to Pieces


Beauty cannot              triumph always 
stay untarnished          be whole and gold
forever, yet we              travel this road
together as                    the steady stays
masts and ropes           until it hazes
-crack- will be torn      where this now old
break burns my            eye, glazes, folds
soul, so charring          shuts out the blaze
becomes scarring         that spreads without
and now I lose             control and when
what I wanted             extinguished, what
was always mine          dissolves, the clout
it's no longer                carried within
mine -never was-         never could be.

Watching "Dead Like Me" and

I know Ada, won't really care about this, but I was watching Dead Like Me for the upteenth time, and I just noticed that the goth girl that Mason hooks up with here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzILUvTXn-A&feature=related  (start at 6:20)

is actually Kaylee from Firefly.  Hilarious.  I only noticed because of her voice!

Also, I just love Dead Like Me.

Belonging

I'm gonna say it:  I don't feel like there's a place I belong anymore.

I've talked to Cerasi and Cylon about this a bit, and I think it's because I don't have any real friends here to hang out with.  Since K fell off the face of the earth, or whatever, I haven't really hung out with anyone.  I've gone to the monthly Young Republican meetings and Happy Hours, but most of them are 30 and have their own circle of friends.

I had my first day at my new internship yesterday (which seems like it will be a LOT better, they're all really nice), and when one of the ladies who worked there asked me what I was doing this weekend, what was I going to do for Halloween?  I didn't have an answer.  For the first time, I didn't have plans for Halloween.  I thought I might be babysitting this Saturday, but my little cousins have something else to do.

I've always had a small, close circle of friends.  (As opposed to my social butterfly of a little brother.)  As I've moved from school to school, Memphis to St. Louis, this trend has continued.  But each time I moved I got a different group, and kinda left the old one behind.  I was terrible about keeping in touch.

This never really bothered me, until I realized as I come back to STL that I don't have anyone left here that I'm really close to.  I tried to get together with a friend from high school over the summer.  After she canceled three times in a row I gave up.  As high school was wrapping up, a different friend stopped calling.  Another hs friend facebooked me a couple times freshman year in college just to ask a question about what book I used during our calculus class together, so she could get it for her sister.

I wonder if it's me.

And then I wonder how I can find a new group of friends here.  How do you make friends after you're done with school?  I'm realizing it's so effing hard.

I have other stuff going on, and that's kind of fulfilling (starting a business, interning) but since I can't hang out with you guys, I don't seem to have anyone else to.  And it's proving really challenging to change that.

Maybe I'll try to find some writing buddies here, too, since that common interest lead to some lovely friendships.  <3

Anyway, sorry this was a downer of a post.  Love and miss you all!  

If the Disney princesses were real...

Saw this on Yahoo and thought of you guys!  Some graphic design student created what the Disney characters might actually look like if they were real.

Jasmine

Sleeping Beauty

Pocahontas

Belle

Esmeralda

Ariel

Ursula

Megara (Hercules)

Mulan

So basically if these Disney ladies were real, they'd be super hot.

And if you want to see Jirka's other stuff here's her blog.  She's got some neat work.

WIP: Does she know what a kiss means?

Character study:

When I come home she is waiting for me. She jumps on me as if I was gone for a millenia. I pick her up so she may kiss my nose, then struggle to leave my arms. Even putting down my purse is an event worth more jumping adoration. I make coos and congratulate her for being excited for me.

She is practically my child. Her mats of cottony fur, her wet little nose, the way her body is a few inches from the ground, her constantly inquisitive gestures, how she loves me for no reason. My two favorite things, though, are when we play with her toys and she barks at me for delaying the launch; and, when she sleeps next to me combusting a heat synonymous with a baby blanket. The best is when my hand on top of her ignites the same heat.

What scares me more than anything in the world is that one day she will be gone. One day this thirteen pound monster that has the protective tenacity to nearly bite a cop for getting near me will no longer be waiting for me. One day this dog who used to only kiss me on rare occasions will not jump all over me as I enter the door. One day this dog who is my shadow will no longer have the strength to jump into my arms.

One day she will only be a memory.

On February 15th 2002, we found her. She had ring worm and dark spots covering her. We had to wash our hands after we touched her. Thunderstorms meant to me letting her free of her crate and letting her sleep next to me as I watched TV. Her favorite thing in the world was belly rubs.

She slept next to me last night leaving a wet stain behind. Her physician said she was 'just getting old.' Apparently her back legs aren't very good either. She used to do tricks and stand on her hind legs for treats. I'm too scared that one day this will make her feeble so I have stopped doing it. In January she will be ten, but she is still so young to me.

She was my first dog, real responsibility, I ever had. She was adopted the week before my Bat Mitzvah, which religiously made me a woman. As an adult, I must take care of my child and ensure it love, love and more love.

I have treated this 'pet' as a child and now I am realizing all that love will soon kill me.

What will I do if she is gone?

Does she know what a kiss means?

It is preposterous to think a pressured random assault on her fur would trigger a romantic reaction. She usually just ignores the attack. When I kiss her face, she twists her head for she is resilient to mouth kisses. Her indifference never bothered me before.

Today I kissed her head and she kissed me back.

I just felt like doing it and she kissed my cheek in return.

I will think about tomorrow tomorrow, today will be thought of today.

Perennial Intern

I decided to try it again.  I interviewed the other day for an internship position at one of the places I interviewed at during May.  They wanted me to come intern with them then, but I chose that other place.

I emailed them last week, kind of on a whim, to see if they had any positions open.  And they did.  Anther internship.  I met with them yesterday, and the internship is marketing for the company itself, which is a small online marketing company.  I'd be oing website updates/ redesign, a direct mail campaign, and learning Google analytics, SEO, paid search, and social media.

This was right up my ally because I want to learn how to do some of that stuff for Snapdragon Designs.

I'm going in on Thursday and then beginning 9-4 on Monday.  They seem really nice.  And I'm excited to learn about this stuff.  And they said it could lead to a job.  My dad was worried because they are super small (3 people here and 1 in Portland) and their ability to grow enough to hire me on.  I'll still be job searching.  But now it doesn't have to be my absolute focus.

Anyway, we'll see how this goes.  I am excited, because I think this will be a better experience, but I'm still a little wary because of what happened before.  I'm glad I'm actually be doing something now, though.  

2 Weekends, 2 Craft Shows

The very first craft show I did for Snapdragon was not a resounding success.  I only sold four earrings.  And that was over 2 days.

I learned a lot though, and applied it to this past Saturday's show, which was a lot better.  There was a pretty good crowd until later in the afternoon.  I sold seven earrings and a necklace and gave away a lot of business cards.  

I have two more shows in two weekends and I'm hopeful about both.  I may sign up for a couple shows in December.

I haven't sold anything online yet, but I should get some more traffic from doing shows.  I'll keep you guys posted.

Personal Things (Preceded by Cuteness!)

So I'm leaving a personal post in the drafts (it will have "for jedis only" in the title), bc some things have been happening with my family. (Not super serious, but I don't want them online.) But before that, here are some likes to things that are funny/cute to break up the seriousness. Enjoy!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=289688444388533&set=o.104185139630464&type=3&theater

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=230688390326316&set=o.104185139630464&type=3&theater

https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=238324872890309&set=o.104185139630464&type=3&theater

"Most Beautiful Moment"

This really doesn't deserve a post....  But it'll be short.  I promise.

I just read on yahoo that the most beautiful moment during the last twilight movie is getting a lot of buzz.  It was a moment that Stewart prepared 3 years for.  I did not have to click on the link that would have taken me to the full article, because I already knew what the most beautiful moment of twilight was:  when it's over.

All the pieces are coming together

It's amazing how a lot of things in your life can be going kind of terribly, but when one thing just works it brightens your day or week or whatever.  Creating Snapdragon Designs Ltd. has been that for me.  

I ordered a stamp, have business cards printed, tagged and labeled my jewelry, and acquired bags; I am ready to do this!  My first craft show is tomorrow and I'm excited and a bit nervous.  I'm still doing some last minute prep work, but I'm kind of amazed how it's now all put together, branded, and ready.

On a related note, if you haven't seen the website lately, you should check it out: Snapdragon Designs Ltd. I redid the PayPal stuff and have added some more items.

Man, I'm really glad I've had the chance to start to make a business out of this.  Having this to work on has mercifully kept me busy at a time when I'd be rather depressed without it.  Anyway, just wanted to give y'all a quick update.  I'll let you know how the show goes.

Steve Jobs' Death

Now, I'm not an Apple girl by an stretch of the imagination, but I will still sad to see Steve Jobs go. He was a guy with ideas. Maybe a lot of it was making all ready existing technology brandable and better (honestly, I don't know enough about it to get into it, but I've heard people make that argument) but I still respect him at least a little.

There was some video I was watching about Steve Jobs' death and someone posted a comment about how "everyone is so sad about Steve Jobs' death but no one seem to think about the women and children enslaved in factories to make the merch we love so much." I think this is a little unnecessary. How come every time a celebrity dies someone needs to bring of the problems with an industrialized/first world society and juxtapose it to the conversation? I don't get it.

Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up at all is because the way that I found out about his death was someone posted a picture of the comedian that plays the PC is those commercials and made a caption that said, "I'm a PC and I didn't die of cancer."

It's not like jaded, bad jokes about celebrities dying right after they die is a new thing. But still, that's how I FOUND OUT that Steve Jobs died.

Really guys? I find this troubling. I mean, I know there's this problem that every time a celebrity dies they get way more news coverage than say, a mass killing somewhere else in the world. But still, I worry about this intense level of cynicism. I don't think it's healthy. It's hard to afford a lot of sympathy for celebrity deaths. Celebrities die all the time, people die all the time, it's just nature. It's not like we have to have a moment of silence every time a celebrity dies, but I feel like there needs to be something difference about the way we approach this.

I guess I just feel like it's a short step from making a PC vs. Mac jokes when Jobs bites it to making jokes about civilians getting killed in war or something. But I suppose that all ready happens.

Anyway, I was wondering what you guys thought about this because my feelings are so mixed.

The Future?

Wow, this is just amazing and shows the amazing technology we never knew about. I have never heard of karakuri before and now I am obsessed:

Theme of the Month: October

Hey y'all,

I don't think we've decided on a theme for this month.  Any suggestions?

We could do the one we talked about earlier, at the POW conference: introducing characters.  Whether to do it all at once with a paragraph for each at the beginning or to do it gradually or any other way.  (Are there really any other ways of introducing characters?)  These pieces could be really any genre.  Though it would be a bit challenging in poetry...

How do you feel about that?  Any other themes you'd rather do?

Never Settled

I thought I'd better write about my coffee house job since I'm sure you're all waiting for an update. So far it's been good. The hours have been long. This weekend I worked for the first time, Friday and Saturday from 4-close and 3-close (close being 10pm). It was pretty brutal, but fortunately, the hours and the work load during the week aren't like that so I think it'll be okay.

Mostly I've been on food prep. I bring up food from the basement and stock it and cut tomatoes and stuff like that. There's a lot more food involved than I imagined there being. I forgot that the cafe does sandwiches and stuff like that.

Everyone's been really nice. I started with this girl and we worked together all weekend. She's pretty funny and nice. We're kind of sassy with each other.

I haven't so much as touched the cappuccino maker. Oh no, no. It'll probably be like a month before I actually learn how to make coffee. I've made a few sandwiches so far, but that's about it.

Today we had a staff meeting at 9am. I wasn't super thrilled about this because I worked 5:30-close last night (mind you, after working at my internship from 1:00-5:00) and I didn't sleep well. I ended up playing Portal 2 at two in the morning and letting our bunnies run around the office.

Anyway, I was late to the meeting kind of on purpose because I hate showing up early when I'm new because I always feel so awkward. The meeting turned out to be discussing "timeliness" which is more than a little hilarious. Everyone was really nice. They were all staring at me and they all introduced themselves kind of for my benefit. Honestly, it was a little disconcerting and I wasn't really sure why.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized something a little shocking about this job. My job at this cafe is probably the most nurturing job I've ever had in my entire life. I mean, my internship is good, but everyone at the cafe asks how I am and introduces themselves and wants to know things about me. The managers also talk about how they have meetings every so often with people to figured out how their employees can grow and what the next stage is in there. I mean, Jesus, I have never been at a job where the staff cared half that much about me.

And I think the reason that this bothers me a little bit is because I know this job isn't going to last. Everyone there really cares about the community and loves the city and I just feel like such an outsider.

This city isn't my home. I have no attachment to this place. Really, the only place I've had any loyalty to in recent years was the UI and I knew that was going to end. All of my other jobs, the cafeteria, the temping, even the terrible, terrible newspaper I worked for were all temporary by definition.

As I was driving home from the meeting, I started to cry. I wish I could tell the people at my job at the cafe not to bother getting to know me. In a year I'll probably be gone, god only knows where. This is just another group of people that I'm trying to make a good impression on in a short amount of time. When I'm gone they'll just be another line on my resume.

Is there something deficient in me that makes me want to leave all the time? I'm so tired of being in transition. My jobs, my house, hell even my ex-boyfriend were all transitional by nature. Sometimes I feel like George from Six Feet Under. (Cylon and Allya will know who that is Ada, sorry not so much.) I'm not a joiner. I just keeping leaving everywhere.

The only place I've really felt like home in the past four years was that craptastic apartment I lived in with the terrible bathroom. That and Ada and Allya's place where we would drink wine and complain about Stephanie Meyer.

I want a place to call home again, but it seems impossible right now. It seems so desperately far away. But I don't want to call this city home. It's a nice place but it's just not home.

But I guess that's just the price of being this age. I know that everything will be better soon. Two years, for real. I'm thinking everything will be a little better and two years. Besides, maybe this job doesn't have to be that temporary. I think I could make some friends, get a little attached to this place in the very least.

And no matter how much things change, I know I have you guys, which helps. You are not transitional friends. You guys are in it for the long haul. Unlike certain long-haired, Megadeth-loving douches I could mention.

I love you all. I'll try to post something more creative (/less depressing) soon. <3