Beautifully Broken
There is wonder but I
don’t think there is here or
not, knotted and nowhere
tied into strings strung high
but then it slips no lie,
from grasp into a scare
unknown unseen unaware
communion in to sky-
line with some for -ward
seeing what is broken
down and outted into
myself and our shards of
particular token
formed together beauty.
*
*Notes
Okay, so Blogger is at it again with the death formatting. In the original/ intended version, the second column is flush to the its left margin. Meaning in a perfect world, clearly outside of Blogger, the entire column would line up with the title word Broken. Just pretend it looks like that.
Anyway, I want any and all kinds of feedback. (Do you like it, interesting enough, do you get it..) I'm thinking of submitting this to Niche, possibly as a set with a few other poems like this. I have the title for the next one and another that I already wrote that is kinda similar in format. I can submit those later.
Also, there are of course many ways to read this poem. The intended manner is a 3-in-1 deal: first read the left column, then the right, then together as one. So have fun with that.
Lastly, since Cylon has failed to come up with a theme for this month, I'm making an executive decision: *poetry*. Most of us have already published a poem this month, so done and done. I think a more specific theme would be working with abstraction in poetry. How much detail is given, how abstract or roundabout can you get and still make your point. (Mine is probably flirting with that line more than the other two... but I think the theme still kind of applies. Well, at least with "Where I'm From". Though "Kids Today" I think does that too with the extreme and graphic language.) Back to the point: if you have time or want to write another poem, do it. Maybe try abstraction or work with that idea of being specific but not giving everything away. What do you think of that?
Obviously the formatting is a problem for me, but I know what it's suppose to look like and blogger is INCORRECT!
ReplyDeleteOverall, as I mentioned before, I really like this poem. There's something about the connection of the words that's really intriguing. Even if I couldn't explain exactly what it's about. (It's abstract, but not in a bad way. About being broken maybe?)
The lines are like in particular really play with consonants and become kind of interesting ideas on their own. So "not, knotted and" and "formed together."
Probably what is most important in this poem is A. When you see it you immediately realize there are two ways to read it and B. That is makes sense both ways and reading it the other way means something different.
So far, you're doing really well on both fronts. The type of font and the spacing is going to make a big difference. Right now, I wouldn't know how to read it the correct way, but again, Blogger is where poems come to be unformatted. Just keep that in mind when you are picking a font and spacing for the typed version (because it came across so well in written form).
On the second front, you're doing very well also. There's two lines that really present a problem for me. "to sky-" and "-ward." I like the idea of having the dashes and a word broken up like that, but when you read it across the phrase, "communion in/ to sky-" and "living with some for/ -ward" doesn't make as much sense as it could. That would be an area where I would think about revision, though I have no suggestions.
Otherwise, great poem. Love it. Love you.
Not gonna lie. Love this poem. It touches my experimental-writing-heart. (Suck that, Andres!)
ReplyDeleteStill not gonna lie: I like 'Broken' a lot. It's simple, short, broken up, and ignites a feeling of disjointed togetherness, if that makes any sense. Like it's disjointed, but because it's disjointed, it feels right. Anyway. lol.
My inability to comment coherently on poetry makes me hate it. I hate poetry. That's right. I said it. I can only enjoy it or not enjoy it. That's all I can give you. Sorry :(
Thanks for your comments and suggestions! It's kind of a difficult poem to revise, but I'll look at those places again to see if I can make those stronger.
ReplyDeleteAlso, did either of you see the note after the poem? More specifically are we agreed about the theme for September? (Just in case any of us want to punch out some more poems..)
I like the structure of the poem, but the broken words are a bit bothersome for the eyes. Maybe it is just the formatting as you said?
ReplyDeleteAlso, not to be bitchy but when you used the word fail I cried. I do cry easily, trailers for films and randomly alone, but the reason I 'failed' was three thousand miles, little internet connection, and just overall fatigue. I did not fail at anything for you all knew how busy I would be for the next week. Yes, this sounds like an attack but honestly you must be aware that your wording hurts me more than you think.
You volunteered me for the task, so for me to go forward with something that I never volunteered for is a bit ridiculous. I love you guys very much but make sure to watch your wording.
Cylon, I hope you realize that was not my intention. I'm sorry that it made you cry. But I did not mean it in a hurtful or negative way at all.
ReplyDelete