I'm gonna say it: I don't feel like there's a place I belong anymore.
I've talked to Cerasi and Cylon about this a bit, and I think it's because I don't have any real friends here to hang out with. Since K fell off the face of the earth, or whatever, I haven't really hung out with anyone. I've gone to the monthly Young Republican meetings and Happy Hours, but most of them are 30 and have their own circle of friends.
I had my first day at my new internship yesterday (which seems like it will be a LOT better, they're all really nice), and when one of the ladies who worked there asked me what I was doing this weekend, what was I going to do for Halloween? I didn't have an answer. For the first time, I didn't have plans for Halloween. I thought I might be babysitting this Saturday, but my little cousins have something else to do.
I've always had a small, close circle of friends. (As opposed to my social butterfly of a little brother.) As I've moved from school to school, Memphis to St. Louis, this trend has continued. But each time I moved I got a different group, and kinda left the old one behind. I was terrible about keeping in touch.
This never really bothered me, until I realized as I come back to STL that I don't have anyone left here that I'm really close to. I tried to get together with a friend from high school over the summer. After she canceled three times in a row I gave up. As high school was wrapping up, a different friend stopped calling. Another hs friend facebooked me a couple times freshman year in college just to ask a question about what book I used during our calculus class together, so she could get it for her sister.
I wonder if it's me.
And then I wonder how I can find a new group of friends here. How do you make friends after you're done with school? I'm realizing it's so effing hard.
I have other stuff going on, and that's kind of fulfilling (starting a business, interning) but since I can't hang out with you guys, I don't seem to have anyone else to. And it's proving really challenging to change that.
Maybe I'll try to find some writing buddies here, too, since that common interest lead to some lovely friendships. <3
Anyway, sorry this was a downer of a post. Love and miss you all!
Dear Allya,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. It's how I've been feeling the past week during orientation in Bangkok and Chon buri. Everyone seems to have met their ideal friends, but I was always sitting alone on the bus, at lunch/dinner, and it got to the point where I just went to the beach by myself to seashell hunt and read. I find it difficult to make friends.
I don't think it has anything to do with you. I haven't found anyone within the 143 fellow teachers in my program to be even relatively close friends with, so it'll be hard for those who don't really 'meet' that many people. It's just this awkward transition. The not-quite-permanence of everything makes it hard to really find someone.
We're going to be fine. It takes time.
Love and miss you ubers!
Preaching to the choir Allya, but I suppose we talked about that.
ReplyDeleteWhere are all the twenty somethings? They must be out there somewhere. How can I meet them? How can I meet the male ones? Do I have to start wearing pheromones for god's sake!?
It's not you, I promise. It's just hard to meet people. Honestly, even with two jobs it's still hard to make friends at work. Work just doesn't seem always conducive to meeting people the way you want to meet them. (THE OFFICE IS FULL OF LIES!)
Writing seems like the way to go. There has to be groups in St. Louis. Because writing automatically means you will meet someone you share an interest with who are probably more lonely/more bizarre then you.
I wish you were here so that we could drink wine and talk about this. But since you are not, I will have to settle for sending you a cyber hug and cyber love. Everything will get better. One day, all four of us will have so many friends we'll be beating them off with a stick. (Because they'll be zombies? Whatever.)