Sarcastic Resume

I almost hesitate to do this because even though this is one blog in a million where none of our names are pictured, I'm always freaked that a potential employer is going to stumble on something stupid I wrote on the internet and say, "No job for you!" But whatever.

I took a break from actually job hunting and getting my writing samples together the other day (current plan is to finish a virtual writing portfolio and then e-mail like seven different magazines in the area to see if I can get some freelance work) to create this sarcastic resume. Well, really it's a sarcastic job application. I wrote it up in Word which means that it's going to freak out and show up reversed in Comic Sans in Blogger, so I apologize for that. But I'm posting it here because I think you guys might enjoy it. You can certainly relate.

Enjoy!

Name: Cerasi The Jedi

Current Residence: 2018 West My Parent’s House . . . still.

College: Attached you will find the legal documents that prove I still owe $22,000 to the government. I think that really says it all.

Dream Job Title: Fulltime sex goddess/ fun-times initiator.

Years of Experience: 23 years, man, because life is just one big journey.

Past Job Experience:

High School-College:

·         Shit job (June 2005-August 2007).

·         Shit job II: Return of Food Service (November 2008-May 2012).

·         Self-hating semi-abusive relationship disguised as a job (about eight months, oh god, so many tears).

·         Unpaid internship specializing in working for free, not getting paid & considering how payment would be different.- (September 2011-April 2012)

·         Shit job III: Food service yet again, because we all know trilogies make the most money. (September 2011-right now, baby.)

Special Skills

            Writing related:

·         Look man, either you read my samples and think I can write or you think I’m just some dumb Midwestern yokel that likes to kill bats with her keyboard. No amount of self-praise in this section will sway your opinion.

            Computer skills:

·         Specializes in-

o   Using a computer.

o   Signing up for and using social media sites (honestly, just keep hitting next and then type things into a box, it’s not that hard).

o   That emoticon that looks like I’m smiling really big. :D

o   Watching inane flash cartoons and videos about cats when I’m supposed to be working.

o   I can make you a website that features a photocopied picture of a butt centered in the middle of the screen. That’s about it though.

o   Typing really, really loudly.

            Other skills:

·         Video game related-

o   Have beaten Resident Evil IV on both normal and professional mode a number of times. Also Assignment Ada & Separate Ways, but hasn’t gotten five stars in all Mercenary levels because fuck it, that shit is hard and unnecessary.

o   Saved all my team members in Mass Effect 2 and successfully had a romantic relationship in all three games (Achievement Unlocked: Hot Alien Sex).

o   Rolled up a really, really big Katamari in that level in Katamari Damacy where you have to roll up the whole world.

o   Once became a super hero in the Sims 2 so, if you think about it, I’m pretty much ready for everything.

·         Relationship related-

o   Have had a healthy & successful relationship with a boy that didn’t make me hate myself at the end of it.

o   Has never mailed a dead animal to an ex-boyfriend.

·         Creative & Wacky-

o   Dude, I’m a creative type. We wacky people are super fun to be with! I’ll tell you jokes about poop and stuff!

·         Zombie Escape Plan Coordinator-

o   If I’ve been in your building for more than 10 minutes, you’d better believe I’ve come up with a zombie escape plan.

References-

·         Most of my former employers end up in mental hospitals or prison, but if you can get their counselor’s permission to talk to them, be my guest.

Q & A-

1. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Probably in Australia white water rafting with Hugh Jackman, but I’m going to be honest, that might just be the drugs.

2. What are your weaknesses in the workplace?

Sometimes I stab people. Like, completely randomly. But it shouldn’t be a problem if you all wear stab-proof vests at all times. The blood rage usually throws my aim off a little bit.

3. What are your strengths?

Banging your mom. Believe me, she had no complaints last night.

4. What would your former employers say about you?

Nothing, if they know what’s good for them.

5. What skills have you acquired during your professional life that will help you with this job?

I once had to clean up four diapers from a pool deck. Don’t know how that helps with this job, but I really want to believe that I didn’t do that for nothing.

6. What type of worker are you?

The sexy type, haha! But seriously, what are you looking for here? I didn’t realize that people could be fit neatly into categories based on how their personalities correlated with making money. Karl Marx would have a conniption fit if he read this application.

7. What skill would you like to acquire to help you do your job better?

Being a fucking mind reader if these manipulative-ass job application questions are any indicator.

8. Do you deal well with stress?

Depends. Do you deal well with a coked out 23-year-old reading Howl in the break room and biting people?

9. Why do you want to work here?

Fuck, man. I just want to! Because I like money & not being unemployed. Are you so insecure that you need to hear every single employee gets their rocks off just thinking about this company? Not all of us can get off just masturbating to the company logo, okay?

10. Closing thoughts?

I drew a dinosaur on the back of this sheet. I think that really says it all.