Mostly, I was crying because I was drunk and on my period, but not completely. I had this moment of existential panic because I realized that it's been about a year since I graduated college and I'm in almost exactly the same place I was a year ago. My internship is going to end this upcoming Thursday which means the descending of the Question Of Your Future.
To make this worse, I recently realized that I'm STILL not over W. We're getting close, but we're just not there yet. Also, I seriously feel like I've been going through Puberty Part II: The Horny Angstening. Does anyone else feel that way?
Since the night when I was drunk on my birthday, I'm actually in a much better mental place about this. I've decided to take this summer (which for all intents and purposes means after I leave my internship on Thursday through the end of August) to really job hunt. I'm going to do a much better than the first time. Now that I have clips from my internship plus my old newspaper clips, I think I actually feel confident that I could join a publication and know what I'm doing.
I'm also going to talk to my editor about freelancing in the area (which is how she got her start). I all ready asked her if I could buy her lunch sometime and she said yes. If nothing else, I could try it out this summer when I'm not working at the cafe, which would honestly be perfect. We'll see.
I think I'm also going to see if I can job shadow the Life and Culture person at the local newspaper. This would be great because I think I really want to get an Arts and Culture job in a smallish town/city newspaper yet. Daily newspaper was not my thing, but I think it's worth another try in a section that's not Metro.
Failing all of this (which I realize is a possibility) I think I'm going to try and definitely be out of the house by, oh let's say, next October. Fuck it. I'll get a job and move somewhere. Maybe back to IC, maybe somewhere else. If I don't have a Real Job I don't know if I want to jump into a big city on my own yet. We'll see.
As for the W thing, he's made an unfortunate return to my dreams lately. In the past two days I had three dreams about him, one where he was dating someone who was wearing Mass Effect armor and I stalked them around the restaurant a little bit.
It's unfortunate (How did they kill Freddy Kruger again?), but I've decided to not let it bother me. In my mature, waking hours I realize that I made a lot of mistakes in that relationship, that he was a bad boyfriend, that the way we ended things sucked for me because I never felt like I got closure, and that I probably won't get that because I don't think we'll ever speak again. I also know that I was CRAZY when I was in a relationship with him. I can own up to the mistakes I made and move on. It was a good cautionary tale. He can go live his life and I'll live mine.
Now if only my damn subconscious would catch up. Come on subconscious! You can do it!
I'm actually sort of looking forward to a summer of writing/making money/figuring things out. I'm hoping it will be better than last summer (oh god, was that ever a terrible mental place to be in), and I'm ready to get out there, find a job, and, if not, move far away and start my life as an independent and severely poor adult.
I'm going to miss my internship when it's over. They all ready said they were going to miss me and that they're throwing me a party (which they don't do for most interns). So yeah, I always secretly knew I was the best intern. Hell yeah.
I hope you guys are all doing great at your various places of employ. If any of you come even remotely close to this area this summer, give me a call. If not, I'll work on my teleportation skills and get back to you.
I love you all. I'll try to post something creative soon. Tell me what's going on with you! We should group Skype sometime. (If that's a possibility still. Stupid eastern European technology.) Until then, let me leave you a joke I heard at work.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Some obscure number you've never heard of.
Haha! OH HIPSTERS! (I don't really have a problem with hipsters, they're just an easy group to pick on.) Later taters!
Ah, drunk crying. We actually get a lot out in the open when we cry whilst intoxicated. It's almost very liberating, in a way. (Unfortunately, it's only liberating when we're amongst friends!)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about existential panic. I have that once in a while that puts me in a cynical and dark mood, but I think that it's only to be a pretty common ailment for us--especially since we're pretty much floating and trying to grab onto something more permanent. Unfortunately, nothing permanent has really come our way, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't stop looking. :D
When you mentioned how you are now in a much better mental state about your future, I admire you all the more! I think it's important that we are positive and more self-confident in our futures, even if it seems grim and icky and always temporary and self-degrading and stupid and is a metaphorical toilet plugged with poo. and lots of it. but if we aren't positive in our own futures, can we really say that we've done our best to deserve the best future? (Dude, now I sound like I'm working for Southwestern again. I apologize!)
You have amazing skills, and an amazing personality, and you're all-around amazing, so no matter where you go next, no matter what happens, you'll get to where you want to go in the end. It ain't easy, but we'll get there!
Oh, hipsters. I was trying to explain to my dad what hipsters were. He just doesn't understand.
Yeah, I freaked out recently too. Because before I got the temp job and after my other internship was over, I realized I was in the same place right after I graduated. And it's going to be a year soon. And when it does become a year, a new crop of freshly graduated job seekers will hit the market. I have to get one before they do!!
ReplyDeleteSO, anyway. I get it.
I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner, but a second uncle of mine (or something, I'm not entirely sure how I'm related to him...) works for the St. Louis Post Dispatch, the big newspaper here. I could try to get you in touch with him. Idk if they are hiring or if he could just give you some tips on the newspaper biz.. but that might be helpful.
Also, since you will soon have some more free time on your hands, I think you should come visit. And by "I think you should" I mean, when are you coming?
About W. I don't know how to help you stop dreaming about him, except to dream about someone else. Yet another reason for you to come here: so we can be on the single prowl together!
I wasn't very happy about turning 23 either. In fact, it was the first birthday I had I wasn't excited about. At all. I just kept thinking I'm 23 and what the hell am I doing now? But it'll be okay for all of us. It just seems like everything will take longer than we planned.
Also. Hipsters. Hahahhha! They just make me laugh being them.