Sarcastic Resume

I almost hesitate to do this because even though this is one blog in a million where none of our names are pictured, I'm always freaked that a potential employer is going to stumble on something stupid I wrote on the internet and say, "No job for you!" But whatever.

I took a break from actually job hunting and getting my writing samples together the other day (current plan is to finish a virtual writing portfolio and then e-mail like seven different magazines in the area to see if I can get some freelance work) to create this sarcastic resume. Well, really it's a sarcastic job application. I wrote it up in Word which means that it's going to freak out and show up reversed in Comic Sans in Blogger, so I apologize for that. But I'm posting it here because I think you guys might enjoy it. You can certainly relate.

Enjoy!

Name: Cerasi The Jedi

Current Residence: 2018 West My Parent’s House . . . still.

College: Attached you will find the legal documents that prove I still owe $22,000 to the government. I think that really says it all.

Dream Job Title: Fulltime sex goddess/ fun-times initiator.

Years of Experience: 23 years, man, because life is just one big journey.

Past Job Experience:

High School-College:

·         Shit job (June 2005-August 2007).

·         Shit job II: Return of Food Service (November 2008-May 2012).

·         Self-hating semi-abusive relationship disguised as a job (about eight months, oh god, so many tears).

·         Unpaid internship specializing in working for free, not getting paid & considering how payment would be different.- (September 2011-April 2012)

·         Shit job III: Food service yet again, because we all know trilogies make the most money. (September 2011-right now, baby.)

Special Skills

            Writing related:

·         Look man, either you read my samples and think I can write or you think I’m just some dumb Midwestern yokel that likes to kill bats with her keyboard. No amount of self-praise in this section will sway your opinion.

            Computer skills:

·         Specializes in-

o   Using a computer.

o   Signing up for and using social media sites (honestly, just keep hitting next and then type things into a box, it’s not that hard).

o   That emoticon that looks like I’m smiling really big. :D

o   Watching inane flash cartoons and videos about cats when I’m supposed to be working.

o   I can make you a website that features a photocopied picture of a butt centered in the middle of the screen. That’s about it though.

o   Typing really, really loudly.

            Other skills:

·         Video game related-

o   Have beaten Resident Evil IV on both normal and professional mode a number of times. Also Assignment Ada & Separate Ways, but hasn’t gotten five stars in all Mercenary levels because fuck it, that shit is hard and unnecessary.

o   Saved all my team members in Mass Effect 2 and successfully had a romantic relationship in all three games (Achievement Unlocked: Hot Alien Sex).

o   Rolled up a really, really big Katamari in that level in Katamari Damacy where you have to roll up the whole world.

o   Once became a super hero in the Sims 2 so, if you think about it, I’m pretty much ready for everything.

·         Relationship related-

o   Have had a healthy & successful relationship with a boy that didn’t make me hate myself at the end of it.

o   Has never mailed a dead animal to an ex-boyfriend.

·         Creative & Wacky-

o   Dude, I’m a creative type. We wacky people are super fun to be with! I’ll tell you jokes about poop and stuff!

·         Zombie Escape Plan Coordinator-

o   If I’ve been in your building for more than 10 minutes, you’d better believe I’ve come up with a zombie escape plan.

References-

·         Most of my former employers end up in mental hospitals or prison, but if you can get their counselor’s permission to talk to them, be my guest.

Q & A-

1. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Probably in Australia white water rafting with Hugh Jackman, but I’m going to be honest, that might just be the drugs.

2. What are your weaknesses in the workplace?

Sometimes I stab people. Like, completely randomly. But it shouldn’t be a problem if you all wear stab-proof vests at all times. The blood rage usually throws my aim off a little bit.

3. What are your strengths?

Banging your mom. Believe me, she had no complaints last night.

4. What would your former employers say about you?

Nothing, if they know what’s good for them.

5. What skills have you acquired during your professional life that will help you with this job?

I once had to clean up four diapers from a pool deck. Don’t know how that helps with this job, but I really want to believe that I didn’t do that for nothing.

6. What type of worker are you?

The sexy type, haha! But seriously, what are you looking for here? I didn’t realize that people could be fit neatly into categories based on how their personalities correlated with making money. Karl Marx would have a conniption fit if he read this application.

7. What skill would you like to acquire to help you do your job better?

Being a fucking mind reader if these manipulative-ass job application questions are any indicator.

8. Do you deal well with stress?

Depends. Do you deal well with a coked out 23-year-old reading Howl in the break room and biting people?

9. Why do you want to work here?

Fuck, man. I just want to! Because I like money & not being unemployed. Are you so insecure that you need to hear every single employee gets their rocks off just thinking about this company? Not all of us can get off just masturbating to the company logo, okay?

10. Closing thoughts?

I drew a dinosaur on the back of this sheet. I think that really says it all.

We should all ASPIRE to be this woman.

Also, what the fuck is up with the format?!

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life . . . Again

The last day of my internship was on Thursday. I have to admit that I'm going to miss this place. Now that it comes down to the end, I feel confident in saying it's a good magazine. The layout is great, the stories are pretty solid and I absolutely loved those people. There was a moment last week where I was driving home where I thought, just for a second, "If they offered me a job I would stay."

Of course they didn't, which is fine and to be expected, but I did get some lovely parting gifts. They all signed a card for me and got me some moleskin journals which they said were for my future reporting. Then my editor in chief (not the assistant editor who I worked with the most ) got me a card with a $100 check inside. I mean, shit, I was not expecting that.

I got them stuff too. Instead of getting them thank you cards, I repurposed mother day's cards, birthday cards, etc. I crossed out the words inside and wrote different things. I think the one I got for my assistant editor was the best. It was a birthday card that was obviously from a husband to a wife. On the front it said "Wife" which I crossed out and put "editor" on. Then it said something like, "It's no wonder you're amazing. After all you have a wonderful, handsome husband like me." So I crossed out wonderful and put "good at updating the calendar" and handsome and put "person with a good work ethic." I also got them $5 gift cards to the cafe and a bag of this really good dark roast we sell.

They were completely blown away. I mean, not like I did it just to leave them with a good impression of me, but three different people offered to give me recommendations in my job search. The personal touch really makes a difference. But I only would have done it for a group of people I really liked and cared about.

I think the check from my editor in chief shocked me the most because I didn't talk to her as much as everyone else. She didn't work with the interns very much and was mostly involved with the editorial department by way of the assistant editor. I talked with her every now and then, and I asked for her help when I wrote the grass story (which apparently like five different people have complimented), but it felt really good to know that she recognized my hard work.

With my time at the magazine over I'm ready to go into full self-improvement mode. In terms of my career, I'm meeting with my assistant editor one more time to ask her about freelancing. My mom gave me the e-mail address of someone at her agency that used to be a reporter.

I'm also ready to start exercising again. Some of the people at the cafe are having a weight loss competition and I'm joining them. I went jogging today and packed myself a lunch for work, so we're off to a good start. I've decided to give up all mayo completely, but I can't give up cream and sugar in my coffee. Not yet anyway. I've got to start somewhere, right?

Even though I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm not anywhere near the person I want to be, I want to take just one second to be proud of myself. When I think about where I was my freshmen year of college; timid, awkward, unable to hold a decent conversation on the telephone, I feel like I've come so far.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this or not, but the magazine is writing a series of profiles on the authors featured in the local book festival. I wrote the first one and after it was up on the web, one of my fellow interns read it and then said she was impressed. Then she asked me for advice. Someone asked ME for advice about journalism. Not only that, but I realized that I was kind of qualified to give it. Not that I'm an expert my any means, but between this internship, the articles I wrote in school and my former newspaper I've got a 1 1/2 years-2 years of experience.

Three years ago I never would have imagined that I would feel comfortable contacting someone I'd never met and asking them questions about delicate topics. Journalism has unlocked this ability in me to talk to anyone about anything. As begrudgingly as I added journalism as a second major a few years ago, I feel like it's really added a lot to my life.

So, just for one moment, I'm going to be proud of myself. I'm professional as shit, damnit! Maybe not ready take on NPR, but confident enough that I can approach a mid-size newspaper and say, "You want someone to write profiles on local artists for your lifestyle section? I'm fucking there."

Though maybe I should work on my phrasing. Maybe.

SMASHing or GLEEful?

I pretty much stopped watching Glee.  I don't have time and even if I did, I've been starting to feel like I"m wasting it watching this show.  


However, earlier this week I was laid up on the couch icing my hurt hamstring, and I was flipping through the channels.  Glee was on, and nothing else was, so I watched the last half of the show.  


I don't know if any of you are still keeping up with it, but the plot is pretty terrible.  Rachel is still obnoxious.  But the songs are still pretty good.  This particular episode featured an appearance from Matt Bomer, who is in White Collar (a show I do watch, about how he is a former criminal- forger/thief - and since he got caught, is working with an FBI agent in the white collar crime division to catch other criminals.):

And who is quite delectable.  

He plays Darren Chris' older brother.  And they have a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cay2dnuhcs


Yeah.  I pretty much came when I saw it.  (Matt Bomer sings?! How can he get any better??)


But other than this anomaly of outstanding song selection and fabulous guest appearance, I have kind of given up on Glee.  


But is there another show to fill the musical void?  Why yes, there is.  It's called Smash.  It's about a group of people trying to produce (and write and direct and act) a Broadway musical.  It's kinda like the grown-up version of Glee; it's everything Glee wants to be when it grows up, but is still kind of hopelessly stuck in Ohio.  


Smash is pretty fabulous.  It's well-written, it has compelling characters, it has fabulous musical numbers.  Really it's everything I wanted from Glee, and more because these people are actually doing it as a career and it feels like a backstage pass to how musicals get made.  (And being in love with musical theater- this is a huge plus!)

Also, I want to mention, how they show the writing of a musical.  (Which should be of particular interest to Cerasi and Ada, you playwrights.)  The writer and composer/lyricist are a team that have worked together writing musicals for years, and they decide to begin working on a musical they have thought of doing before: one all about Marilyn Monroe.  (Which should pique Cylon's interest)


Overall, it's a well-made show that has successfully replaced Glee for me.  Oddly enough, it was my Dad who got me into watching this show.  And now we tune in Mondays at 9pm central to enjoy the musical romp together.  Here's a link to Hulu if you want to start from the beginning: http://www.hulu.com/smash 


So, if any of you do watch it, you'll have to tell me, is it better to be have Glee or be a Smash?

Hermoine all grown up

Something I thought you might be interested in Ada.

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/emma-watson-gets-bad-girl-makeover-bling-ring-172557442.html

Random Update (Featuring Puberty Part II)

Well, hey there everyone. It's been a while. I had my birthday recently (thanks for the birthday wishes!) and I was pretty happy about being 23 for all of three days. Then, when we celebrated at this fancy Italian restaurant, I had two enormous glasses of wine and got completely hammered (ever since leaving IC I've become a total lightweight). After we went home and I opened my presents everyone went to bed except for me and E (she visited for my b-day). Out of nowhere, I just started crying and crying. E just let me cry and then talked to me about it the next day, which was a pretty great way to approach drunk crying.

Mostly, I was crying because I was drunk and on my period, but not completely. I had this moment of existential panic because I realized that it's been about a year since I graduated college and I'm in almost exactly the same place I was a year ago. My internship is going to end this upcoming Thursday which means the descending of the Question Of Your Future.

To make this worse, I recently realized that I'm STILL not over W. We're getting close, but we're just not there yet. Also, I seriously feel like I've been going through Puberty Part II: The Horny Angstening. Does anyone else feel that way?

Since the night when I was drunk on my birthday, I'm actually in a much better mental place about this. I've decided to take this summer (which for all intents and purposes means after I leave my internship on Thursday through the end of August) to really job hunt. I'm going to do a much better than the first time. Now that I have clips from my internship plus my old newspaper clips, I think I actually feel confident that I could join a publication and know what I'm doing.

I'm also going to talk to my editor about freelancing in the area (which is how she got her start). I all ready asked her if I could buy her lunch sometime and she said yes. If nothing else, I could try it out this summer when I'm not working at the cafe, which would honestly be perfect. We'll see.

I think I'm also going to see if I can job shadow the Life and Culture person at the local newspaper. This would be great because I think I really want to get an Arts and Culture job in a smallish town/city newspaper yet. Daily newspaper was not my thing, but I think it's worth another try in a section that's not Metro.

Failing all of this (which I realize is a possibility) I think I'm going to try and definitely be out of the house by, oh let's say, next October. Fuck it. I'll get a job and move somewhere. Maybe back to IC, maybe somewhere else. If I don't have a Real Job I don't know if I want to jump into a big city on my own yet. We'll see.

As for the W thing, he's made an unfortunate return to my dreams lately. In the past two days I had three dreams about him, one where he was dating someone who was wearing Mass Effect armor and I stalked them around the restaurant a little bit.

It's unfortunate (How did they kill Freddy Kruger again?), but I've decided to not let it bother me. In my mature, waking hours I realize that I made a lot of mistakes in that relationship, that he was a bad boyfriend, that the way we ended things sucked for me because I never felt like I got closure, and that I probably won't get that because I don't think we'll ever speak again. I also know that I was CRAZY when I was in a relationship with him. I can own up to the mistakes I made and move on. It was a good cautionary tale. He can go live his life and I'll live mine.

Now if only my damn subconscious would catch up. Come on subconscious! You can do it!

I'm actually sort of looking forward to a summer of writing/making money/figuring things out. I'm hoping it will be better than last summer (oh god, was that ever a terrible mental place to be in), and I'm ready to get out there, find a job, and, if not, move far away and start my life as an independent and severely poor adult.

I'm going to miss my internship when it's over. They all ready said they were going to miss me and that they're throwing me a party (which they don't do for most interns). So yeah, I always secretly knew I was the best intern. Hell yeah.

I hope you guys are all doing great at your various places of employ. If any of you come even remotely close to this area this summer, give me a call. If not, I'll work on my teleportation skills and get back to you.

I love you all. I'll try to post something creative soon. Tell me what's going on with you! We should group Skype sometime. (If that's a possibility still. Stupid eastern European technology.) Until then, let me leave you a joke I heard at work.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Some obscure number you've never heard of.

Haha! OH HIPSTERS! (I don't really have a problem with hipsters, they're just an easy group to pick on.) Later taters!