Most Things Are Looking Up

I wanted to title this post Everything Most Things Are Looking Up, but blogger doesn't let you do strikethroughs in titles (or maybe it does and I couldn't figure it out, didn't I do that in an earlier post).

Whatever, moving on!

Things are good. I'm getting used to the 40 hours a week thing and this job feels doable. I looked at an apartment. My parents saw it and weren't crazy about the neighborhood, but honestly, I think I might go for it.

It's a block away from the library and bus station which is the "sketchy" part of where I live, but also I would be living with two other woman (one being my elderly land lady who lives by herself), and the city where I live is pretty safe in general. I think my parents are overreacting. I'm going to dry by at night and see what the neighborhood's like. I really want to move like yesterday.

My computer was broke and now it's back (yay). My debit card got lost, I cancelled it, found it, and then got my new one. (Yay!) Work brings me down somedays because NO ONE TALKS TO EACH OTHER SOMETIMES, but it's been feeling better.

Everything is fine. Great in fact . . . except . . .

Fucking love life. Fucking romance. I should probably take a love life vacation since I've got other shit to figure out. And I would, except for two things.

1. Mr B. from my last article never texted me back which makes me feel annoyed and angry and pissed at him. Can we say the word "flakey." Whatever, over it.
2. I found out recently that T facebook chatted with one of my friends during that week he was deciding to call things off with me. She asked him if we were still hanging out and he said, "ish." Prick. Whatever, over it.
3. L. The guy I work with. Oh L.

At work yesterday everybody left early because it was Friday and no one gives a shit. So it was just me and L. During that time L told me lots and LOTS about his ex.

He wasn't really oversharing because I encouraged it (because I'm nosy as fuck). I won't get too into it because I don't want to violate his privacy, but here are the basics so you understand the situation.

1. He and his ex went out for six years.
2. He and his ex broke up in April.
3. He's currently dating another girl he met online and feeling nervous about it.

To which I responded, you're feeling nervous? No shit! You were dating someone for six years and just broke up! Jesus.

None of this would be a problem except that my wounded, crippled little heart seeks out guys like this in a Venus Flytrap-like manner.

I'm about to say something that's going to make me sound all bitchy and shitty, but goddamnit, when am I going to stop accepting strays into my heart? They never give back what they take.

I talked about this to my friend M who told me to stay away from him. He's a nice guy, but he has questionable judgment. Not to mention some pretty open wounds.

Also, another guy from work? Jesus fuck, didn't I learn my lesson last time?

I'm going to talk about this with my therapist in our next session. I don't know how to disengage feelings like this (and, to be fair, it's still a little crush, not a big one), and I'm really scared of ever falling for someone that dysfunctional again.

Working on it. We're going to get through this. I need someone who's got their shit together who's going to be super nice to me. But I also just need to admit that this is happening. I think it helps.

Besides that, everything is looking up. I'm going to be adult very soon goddamnit.

So close. So, so close.

Work Poems

So here are two poems I've written.  One is about the former place I worked, and the one I'm at now.  The difference is pretty stark, huh.

March 2013

It's a sort of hollowness

      a melancholic empty

Things aren't going right.   Nothing has.

And it's going on two years.   For a full 

twenty-two months there has been little constant

and even less certain.

But something comes into focus not.

I'm not satisfied.  Not here.  Not in this job.

Not at this company.  Not with these people.

Laid out like that, it seems harsh.  An exaggeration.

Deep down, though, I'm afraid it isn't.

I can do more, offer more, be more.  And

unfortunately there seems to be no moving up

from what I'm doing now.

Zero advancement.

I can't see a long term future here.

Of course, after 6 positions in 2 years,

long-term seems like it's hardly possible at all.

Nearly all those running production when I 

started have decided to bow out, or have been sacked.

I just wonder

should I leave 

before I'm next on the chopping block

8/21/13

Relief

It's a warmness that starts at my center

     near my heart

And expands

When I went into the office of my boss's boss

I didn't know

     why

But there was the contract

On her desk

A glance reveals the highest in the salary range

     stated by the temp agency

Giddiness 

I've made it

Two years and three months

And I finally feel 

I'm in the place I should be

Change, Men, & the End of Puberty 2.0

I've cried wolf on this before, but I've decided that this is the year I become an adult.

I've been changing a lot of things lately. Some small. Some big. All hard. Being twenty-three was a big old basket of crap. Lots of marking time and getting all of my angst out of my system. Being twenty-four hasn't been any easier, but it has been a lot more constructive.

Recent changes include:

1. Finding an apartment- Made a few calls today, we'll see.

2. Find a therapist- I scheduled an appointment in about week with this one agency, but I think I'm going to call somewhere else on Monday. It's in a city that's twenty minutes away from my house which makes it a good forty places away from where I work, and I don't know if I want to make that drive once a week.

3. Getting hired full-time at my job- Have I mentioned this was happening? Well it is, and it's almost just about official. My "first day" should be Sept. 16th.

4. Finding time to write while working full-time- we're working on this one.

5. Asking a boy I like to hang out.

Number five is the one that was giving me trouble today. Not that anything that dramatic happened. Last week I asked this guy who's a friend of a friend if he wanted to hang out sometime. He said he did and gave me his number. I gave him mine. Then I texted him and, after a couple of days, we decided to meet for coffee later this week.

The reason it's hard is because of not anything that actually happened, but because whenever I do anything I feel anxious about it and I feel guilty and I start playing worst case scenarios in my head over and over again.

It's not even A DATE and I feel nervous. I feel angsty. I feel like I should be listening to Evanescence and Skillet like back in high school. (Don't make fun of my Skillet days. It's how agnostic daughters of pastors rebel.) 

But even though it sucks and even though I feel tired and annoyed and vulnerable and like I want to sleep with everyone everywhere (Jesus, I need the opposite of an aphrodisiac), it's good. It's good because I'm dealing with shit.

I want to be an adult and, by god, I'm going to make myself be one whether I want it or not. Goodbye Puberty 2.0. You're on notice. The countdown starts now.

Music Video Masochism

Image Source.

I know I shouldn't care (and I'm sure you don't care), but Lady Gaga's new music video is pissing me off because it represents everything that's wrong with her.

If you have seen it yet, you can by clicking here. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Done? Good.

So if you didn't take time to watch it (I'm shocked), here's a brief recap. This video features Lady Gaga "dancing" around (really more writhing) in different ridiculous outfits.

 . . . oh, I thought I would have more to say about it, but nope. That pretty much sums it up. That's the whole plot of the video. It looks a little something like this-

1. Hand Bra

Image source.

2. Painted Face Which I Thought Could End Up Interesting After Seeing Concept Art But Wasn't

Image Source.

3. I Can't Fucking Even With You Sometimes

Image Source.

What's most embarrassing about this whole ordeal for is that I actually got excited about this video for half a second. I know, I know, after years of slowly coming to the realization that Lady Gaga isn't nearly as artistic as she pretends I should know better. It's just, well . . .

Do you remember the first time you ever watched the video for Bad Romance? I fell in love immediately. It blew my mind.

Not only did it fit with the song, it added another level to it.The costumes and sets were amazing and there were actual characters and a build and a climax.

If music videos aren't going to have a good story, that's totally fine, but they need to make up for it with a fascinating/distinctive concept or impressive visuals.

These visuals are cool, but they piss me off. They remind me of her video for You And I more than anything. Disjointed. Bizarre. Nonsensical. Ultimately, they're jarring and go by so fast and contrast so wildly it's hard to get into that.

But what ESPECIALLY pisses me off, is the way she flashes enough skin to get the PTA all hot bothered while still managing to be censored enough so you can play it on TV. The first time I watched this video I swore to god I saw her nipples, but it turned out to be a special bra made of a melted tinfoil.

She's like a sexy Marilyn Manson, except I've seen Marilyn Manson's boobs! Granted, he didn't have any nipples at the time, but still.

Do you know what I most want to see from Lady Gaga? Just a ten minute video of her singing an acoustic on an empty sound stage while bare-ass naked. All respect regained immediately.

But she'll never do that, because she's not a performance artist. She's a cookie cutter pop star indistinguishable from Katy Perry or Taylor Swift. This song is pretty much Lady Gaga's answer to Circus by Britney Spears.

What it really comes down to is I'm mad. Not mad at Lady Gaga. She's a pop star and she's good at it. Mad at myself for paying attention to Top 40 bullshit rather than taking the time to seek out and find real art.

Goddamnit, I need to go read something. I'll be back.

Under Construction

Still working on my sci fi novel, but here is a sampling of something in construction I have been working on:

This place among the stars; centered among the infantismal. It populates the great powers, it manages order, it exists for the purpose of power. This place among the infinite cosmos has chosen the ruler who will bring them to glory. For every ruler brings glory. They will be crush the detractors, whom dare speak against the burgeoning line in the wake of the end of the previous line. For generations the new line will bring sustenance to the people.

She is our Queen Hope. Commence Hope Year One of her glorious reign and the reign of her line!

It's unofficially official

I have a job.  A real one.  Not a temp thing, not a contract, not a goddamn internship.

I will be transitioning to a full time permanent employee with a salary and everything, probably by next Friday.

I hope this news finds you all well.  And soon perhaps, I will be able to take a vacation to see each of you.  Yes, you too Ada.  Though, I may wait until next year when you are in Oz.

Cheers and much love,
Allya

Cue the OK GO

 . . .
 . . .
 . . .
 . . . I'm getting a crush on a guy I work with.

He's nerdy and awkward and into computer stuff (he's our programming guy), and I thought he was in his thirties but he recently revealed that he saw the first Pokemon Movie in sixth grade which I think makes him just a few years older than me.

We like all of the same TV shows (Doctor Who, the IT Crowd, Spaced, Metalocalypse, Venture Bros). He also seems kind of immature (he's talked A LOT about his ex) and said he didn't want to have a daughter because he was worried she would grow up to be a slut. (That was a weird conversation.)

I can't help it. Nerdy guys are my Kryptonite.

I ALSO have a crush on this super, super, super, super nice guy that works at the record store. He has long, straight brown hair down his back and wears nothing but metal shirts. (Yeah, I know. Look familiar?) We had a huge storm recently and I sent him a message asking if they were okay (the power was out for a day and a half).

He said they were, and then said, "I hope you're okay too, lady."

Did I mention he's like the nicest fucking guy? And has tattoos. And wants to brew his own beer.

I don't know what the point of this post is. Except maybe that I never learn. Also, I think I need to get laid. I'm about to jump on the next guy I see.