I've been changing a lot of things lately. Some small. Some big. All hard. Being twenty-three was a big old basket of crap. Lots of marking time and getting all of my angst out of my system. Being twenty-four hasn't been any easier, but it has been a lot more constructive.
Recent changes include:
1. Finding an apartment- Made a few calls today, we'll see.
2. Find a therapist- I scheduled an appointment in about week with this one agency, but I think I'm going to call somewhere else on Monday. It's in a city that's twenty minutes away from my house which makes it a good forty places away from where I work, and I don't know if I want to make that drive once a week.
3. Getting hired full-time at my job- Have I mentioned this was happening? Well it is, and it's almost just about official. My "first day" should be Sept. 16th.
4. Finding time to write while working full-time- we're working on this one.
5. Asking a boy I like to hang out.
Number five is the one that was giving me trouble today. Not that anything that dramatic happened. Last week I asked this guy who's a friend of a friend if he wanted to hang out sometime. He said he did and gave me his number. I gave him mine. Then I texted him and, after a couple of days, we decided to meet for coffee later this week.
The reason it's hard is because of not anything that actually happened, but because whenever I do anything I feel anxious about it and I feel guilty and I start playing worst case scenarios in my head over and over again.
It's not even A DATE and I feel nervous. I feel angsty. I feel like I should be listening to Evanescence and Skillet like back in high school. (Don't make fun of my Skillet days. It's how agnostic daughters of pastors rebel.)
But even though it sucks and even though I feel tired and annoyed and vulnerable and like I want to sleep with everyone everywhere (Jesus, I need the opposite of an aphrodisiac), it's good. It's good because I'm dealing with shit.
I want to be an adult and, by god, I'm going to make myself be one whether I want it or not. Goodbye Puberty 2.0. You're on notice. The countdown starts now.
Babe, I'm so proud of you for trying to overcome this early-20s-puberty!! And all these changes you're making can be really scary, but ultimately, people need change to progress. Not all the time, but a little change never hurt anyone.
ReplyDeleteHow's the apartment search coming? Sometimes I really, really like searching for apartments. All the possibilities of decorating! :D.
Congratulations on being full-time employed! So glad to hear that things are taking off. I guess what we need to realize is that this shit takes time. A lot of time to settle into. It takes time to grow up and "be an adult" and make adjustments according to our surroundings.
As for boys, they be stupid. But as long as they treat you with respect, then I'm down with that. Don't be anxious. You're beautiful and wonderful and you're dealing with shit like an adult! Love you, and hope you're doing okay <3
I did write a really lovely and long comment. Then Blogger decided I was not logged in and deleted it. Now I can't remember what I just wrote. Goddammit, Blogger.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'll try again.
I'm glad you're going for coffee. But don't be too worried! Realistically was IS the worst thing that could happen. You don't hit it off? Well then, that's one less guy you need to figure if he's the one. Check him off the list and keep moving.
I feel ya on the writing thing. If you find a solution, let me know. :)
Congrats on the new job! All the things are happening.
I'm glad you took the first step in finding a therapist. That's not easy.
And good luck on the apartment search. I'm thinking about starting to look for somewhere to live. As in, while I'm driving around, I think oh, that might be a nice place to live. I need to get off my butt and do some research though.