I'm going to try to keep this post short, because I feel like I have a whole novel's worth of feelings inside of me.
Things have been good in a lot of ways recently, but in others they have been not as good. The good= family, friends, boyfriend, personal life.
The bad=work and anxiety. Lots of anxiety.
It all came to a head when I went in for a recent's doctor appointment (trying to get everything done while I'm under my parent's health insurance for another month) and ended up crying hysterically.
Fortunately, the doctor is a family friend and is nice, He said he could prescribe me anti-anxiety medication. I've been resistant to this option thus far because every time I go into therapy, everything seems to get better and I feel like maybe it's gone. Maybe I don't have anxiety anymore.
But the other day I was looking at timehop (which I have since uninstalled from my phone) and realized just how many happy looking pictures I see of myself where I recall feeling miserable.
Weddings and birthdays and baby showers and holidays. Why do I remember escaping to the bathroom to cry or freaking out about how many calories where in that piece of cake?
Because anxiety.
And, of course, the worst part is that once you decided to get help it is a PAIN IN THE ASS to figure out insurance shit and where I'm covered, blah blah blah.
So, anyway, today I am making the call to my doctor to get anti-anxiety medication. (After I check with some insurance stuff with my parents.)
I have been thinking the most awful things about myself the last couple of weeks.That I'm selfish and weak and that everybody hates me. I don't want to think those things anymore.
So wish me luck. It's supposed to be pretty low impact, but I don't know what to expect. I'm going to try and get into therapy soon though that might take another couple of weeks.
Also, I should probably quit my job because it daily drains me of all my self esteem. But that's proving harder than I thought.
One step at a time.
I am so incredibly sad that you've been thinking bad things about yourself. That is not okay. And so very, very wrong. You are wonderful, I could never hate you and caloric content is a conspiracy against those who like food (including me!). So I'm very glad you're getting help!
ReplyDeleteI had terrible bouts with anxiety in high school and when making the transition to college I started anti anxiety meds too. (Lexapro, actually.) It wasn't a cure all - I still had anxiety episodes in college and even took Clonazopam at one point. (Which worked miracles, but is not a long term medication.)
The last time I had an episode was when I got a new job and my Dad was recovering from one of his surgeries. It was an intense time, and my doctor ended up prescribing me Xanax for when I start to get more anxious. And this has worked really well when I get super busy at work and feel incredibly stressed.
I'm proud of you for taking the first step in managing anxiety. It's tough to deal with and almost tougher to reach out to get the treatment you need. Since its a mental thing, I kept thinking in high school that it should be something I should be able to control. Like it was some sort of weakness feeling so anxious and I could think my way out of it. But anxiety isn't like that. It's a medical thing that you have to treat.
I hope going on the medication helps you! If you ever need to talk about this stuff, just call! And also, we should Skype soon! Much love to you, loveliest Cerasi!
Shoot, I was sure I commented on this! Sorry, then, for the late reply.
ReplyDeleteOur society has absolutely no sympathy in anything that's not considered normal, including not being able to control emotions directly impacted by how shitty society is, lol, so I think it's a great idea that you're taking another approach to controlling your anxiety. Everyone is different. I hope that it works out for you because anxiety is a massive pain in the arsehole. Keep it up, and take care!