5/30/13
So obviously, I wrote this a while ago. It's kinda weird.. as in not very similar to most of my writing. Or at least that's how I feel about it. It was a little in relation to a book I was reading at the time. Btw, I will try to start doing my book reviews again... or at least mention when I read a good book. The one I was reading was The Innocent by David Baldacci. Then I read the next book in his series, The Hit. Both we very action-oriented, and great reads. (The main character is a hit-man. And a BAMF.) I would recommend them both. Anyway, on to my random poem....JuneBug
You're my little JuneBug
my little sweetie pie
I'm gonna love you
love you till the day I die
She sings it soft
she sings it low
she sings even though the man
tells her no
He yells real loud
he screams and shouts
he's got the barrel pointed
what's this life all about
She holds her JuneBug
she holds her sweetie pie
she whispers little one
it's gonna be all right
He can make it stop
he wants to make it stop
there are tears in her eyes
he will make their dreams pop
There you can see the trigger
and there is the pull
a junebug is screaming
the world spins out of control
Cradled in small hands
cradled is her face
he stopped her heart
something that cannot be replaced
But something new starts
something new begins
the little JuneBug starts singing
dark won't win
Okay, I, for one, REALLY LIKE THIS. The first four stanzas have great rhythm, but the fifth one, and the last one feels a little forced. Keeping the idea there, maybe experiment around with the verses, with rhythm that flows a little more naturally. The last stanza is the one that's gonna stick, so maybe instead of saying "dark won't win," we need a bit of a longer line that ends with 'win'; perhaps like "we won't let the dark win"? hm hm. I may have to read it aloud to myself a couple of times, but those two stanzas seem a little off rhythm-wise. Everything else is fantastic~ I love the imagery you've created with simple verse. Love it, love it, love it!
ReplyDeleteThis is really an interesting piece because it's simultaneously really dark and really hopeful.
ReplyDeleteI love the sing-songy rhythm, and I love "june bug." It's just a perfect word and image because June bugs are cute and sweet but also a little off beat.
I'm not sure what this poem is about. I feel like it could either be about a little girl with an abusive authority figure in her life OR the little girl is a symbol for some kind of revolution fighting against "the man." (I don't know if you meant either one, that might just be me, haha.)
I'd have to agree with Allya that we lose the rhythm in a couple of stanzas. From the start of "There you can see the trigger" to the end of the next stanza "cannot be replaced."
I don't know if this makes sense, but i think it might need less words there. Does that make sense? I hope so.
Other than that, I love it. It's a nice little sing-songy poem with an EXTREMELY dark center and hopeful message. Nice.
Cerasiiiii, I'm not Allya :( I'm Adaaaaaa!! She wrote the sexy, sexy poem!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Allya, I actually have a short story called "June Bug," but I haven't been able to finish it. Now I feel like I may have to change my title. ahhahaa!