Sometimes I get struck by bad feelings for no reason in particular. Sometimes they come and go very quickly. Sometimes this happens late and night. I wonder if I need more sleep.
It's not okay to be transparent and needy on Facebook. Or maybe it's exactly okay to be that way there, but it also feels manipulative and the last thing I want is to make people worry about me.
But I don't care about being transparent here, you guys know me and love me. So, here it goes. Transparency time-
Sometimes I worry that everything I write is stupid and that everyone hates me.
I honestly don't know why. Does anyone else ever feel that way?
My friend M talks about how everything bad we go through is just a part of growth. It's a very positive way of thinking, but it doesn't move fast enough for me sometimes.
I wish I was strong and confident and sure of myself, but I'm just not. I want to find a way to change that. It's my goal of age 24. Finally get a goddamn handle on this stupid self-hatred I've been wrestling for as long as I can remember.
I'm open to suggestions.
I wish I had suggestions to give, but, like you, I'm also in this strange haze of not knowing who I am, and disliking who I am. And I agree, Facebook makes me so petty and transparent and manipulative and passive aggressive. It brings out the worse in me, which is the main reason why I opted to get rid of it (and why I've been hesitating/procrastinating on returning to it, though it's becoming a necessity.) But you know, I think it's okay to feel that way. We all want to get to that point where we're confident, happy with who we are, what we are, and sure of ourselves, but I don't think even the adults know what or who they are.
ReplyDeleteWho we are now, regardless of whether or not we're aware of our purpose here, is just a stepping stone. We all evolve and change without our knowledge, and that's okay. Self-hatred, not so okay, but it's a part of life. Maybe, instead of wanting it, trying to figure it out, we should try to do things that make us happy. That's all we can aim for. And eventually, self-discovery, self-love joins us on the journey.
Just beware of things that can ruin your self-discovery and self-love. Know what is important to you and stick with it. Everything else will follow.
Love you <3 Let's Skype again soon. *muah*
@Ada: You need to get on Facebook. But just so I can send you kitties. I really need to send you kitties. It's literally an integral part of all my Facebook messages now. (Which may or may not be a good thing... I'll leave that for Cerasi to weigh in...)
ReplyDeleteHokay.
The things you write are not stupid. Though I'll admit, I've thought that exact same thing about nearly every creative thing I've done. Except for some poetry. There are a few poems I'm actually proud of.
And people don't hate you. Or at least they shouldn't if they know ANYTHING about you. And if they do, tell 'em to talk to me. I'll straighten 'em out. (By beating them within an inch of their life.)
More seriously, I kinda find it hard to find people I don't hate. Or - let's be brutally honest - people. I'm not all that great in social situations. I obviously can't attract anyone of the opposite sex. And I think more than half of the people around me at a given time are absolute idiots. (No really, I can't tell why anyone wouldn't like hanging out with me ....) And my one really good friend in the vicinity just moved to Connecticut. Fuck.
I think part of this thing we're all going through is part of finding our place in the world. Who we want to be, what we want to do, and who we want to be with.
But I also think part of this is just existence. Like, we're never really going to be 100% secure and satisfied with ourselves. The veneer of adulthood is just that, a thinly painted ruse of semi-comfort and pretend. Which sounds incredibly cynical.....
But being the 24-year-old that I am right now, is not anything like I thought it'd be. I thought I'd have some of my shit together by now.
So I don't know if any of that is very comforting, or helps, but you should know it's not just you. Not by a long shot.
Much love, darling. <3
@Ada-
ReplyDeleteThat's true. There's not ever a point in life where you're like, "Now I got in figured out." Maybe it is just figuring out how to divorce the confusion from self-hatred.
I know what you mean about facebook even though I give you crap for not being on it. It's really easy to get obsessed with it.
"We should try to do things that make us happy. That's all we can aim for. And eventually, self-discovery, self-love joins us on the journey."
Shit that's nice. I want that embroidered on a pillow. For real.
@Allya-
It does help. It does. I'm sorry your friend moved away and that people of the opposite sex have been not so much. :( You're beautiful and fabulous with have lots of friends and gentlemen callers in time. This time of life is just the absolute shits sometimes. (But in a bad way, I realize that can be a good thing. Whatever.)
It's always nice to know that there's someone out there who would beat someone up for me. I hope you know I'd do the same for you. <3
I don't think we'll ever be totally secure, but I just want to feel better about myself than I do right now. Just a little more. Some people are confident right? How the fuck do they do that?
I do agree with you about adulthood being a "thinly painted ruse of semi-comfort and pretend" although, GODDAMN does that sound cynical. Haha.
I think a lot of being an adult is acting as though you are responsible and know what the hell's going on and then, by magic, people perceive you as responsible and like you know what's going on.
Anyway, it did help. Thanks.
And Ada, Ally's right on the kitties. They are amazing.
Love you both so, so much. <3