Goodbye

In The Life of Pi the main character says that one of his big regrets is never taking a moment to say goodbye. Even though my job at the cafe was stressful, ridiculously unorganized, and no less than an veritable maelstrom of personal and professional chaos, I am going to miss it. I need to take a moment to say goodbye.

A big part of that is saying goodbye to my longtime crush on my unstable, male, 32-year-old coworker. My feelings were made complicated early on by some terrible fights between him and my friend M. His name is N. Hope that's not too confusing.

About a month ago, I confessed my feelings for him at a party. This was after a very long and very heartfelt talk between us about a number of things, among them the situation with M earlier in the year. As he left the party, I ran after him.

I said, "I have feelings for you."

He said, "I know."

I said, "You can be a fucking asshole, sometimes."

He said, "I know."

Then he biked away from me and refused to say anything more about it, ever again.

A series of unfortunate facebook messages followed (all on my part) first asking him for a better response, then going on an angry, impulsive rant where I said some nasty, out of place things, and then apologizing for my behavior in the second. I told him I was sorry if I had ever made him uncomfortable and it wasn't right to force an emotional revelation out of him he wasn't feeling. Things were awkward at work between us, but seemed more or less okay.

Goddamnit, when will I learn not to not do that on facebook? C'est la vie.

Then, something happened that made me feel so much worse. In a completely unrelated series of events, N unraveled and took a leave of absence from work. No one ever revealed the details to us, but from what we can tell he suffered from a manic episode and had a breakdown. We're pretty sure he spent some time in a psychiatric hospital, and though he's doing better he's still not back at work or on facebook. He's been in the cafe at least once (he thanked us for a sympathy card we got him), but he's not been out and about.

This is the problem with crushes, or at least the ones I get. They're not always grounded in reality and, as much as you care about the other person, they're intrinsically selfish. I had all these feelings for this person and now, at the end, I know that I was never going to get what I wanted from him. In turn, he needed something that I can't give him. I can see that now.

Anyway, when I left the cafe, I got cards for my coworkers. They had little messages and I drew each one of them a bakery goblin to take care of in my absence.  I got one for N too. It was sweet, but nonthreatening and very platonic. I said I'd miss him, apologized again for my behavior, and said that I was worried about him and hoped he got better soon. The day before I left the cafe forever, I went to his house and left it tucked into his door.

On my last day, I was feeling all said about never getting to see him again and then, bam, there he was. All nonchalant like it hadn't been two weeks since he dropped off the face of the planet. He ordered a cup of coffee, mentioned that he heard it was my last day, and thanked me for the card. Then he left.

It wasn't romantic or exciting. He wasn't tender or sentimental, but one lesson I learned from W is that when it comes to people who don't deal with their emotions well (or AT ALL) you have to take closure where you can get it.

N has been in the cafe once in the past two weeks. He doesn't live that close. I know he came in to see me. I know he went out of his way to say goodbye. It was small, but for someone who probably hasn't been out of the house much in the past few weeks, it's pretty touching.

I'm not going to pretend I'm over him. Attraction isn't a switch you can turn off. Still, it means I'm going to get over him. If I met someone now that was awesome I wouldn't feel like any part of me was tangled up in this emotional trap.

I had to get rid of the parts of my life that were making me unhappy. Quitting the cafe was the first big step and resolving my feelings for N was the next. This is my moment to say goodbye to my coworkers, to the cafe, and to him.

N, I hope you get better soon. I hope you find some peace. Now, it's time for me to find what I need somewhere else. I realize now that it's not going to be in a romantic partner, but in learning to love this flawed mass of neurons and flesh I have been internally abusing for the last year. I need to find a way to love myself, otherwise my future crushes are going to be just as obsessive and just as darkly driven.

It's time to say goodbye to my own self-hatred. That's what this last year has been about. I can see that now.