Most Things Are Looking Up

I wanted to title this post Everything Most Things Are Looking Up, but blogger doesn't let you do strikethroughs in titles (or maybe it does and I couldn't figure it out, didn't I do that in an earlier post).

Whatever, moving on!

Things are good. I'm getting used to the 40 hours a week thing and this job feels doable. I looked at an apartment. My parents saw it and weren't crazy about the neighborhood, but honestly, I think I might go for it.

It's a block away from the library and bus station which is the "sketchy" part of where I live, but also I would be living with two other woman (one being my elderly land lady who lives by herself), and the city where I live is pretty safe in general. I think my parents are overreacting. I'm going to dry by at night and see what the neighborhood's like. I really want to move like yesterday.

My computer was broke and now it's back (yay). My debit card got lost, I cancelled it, found it, and then got my new one. (Yay!) Work brings me down somedays because NO ONE TALKS TO EACH OTHER SOMETIMES, but it's been feeling better.

Everything is fine. Great in fact . . . except . . .

Fucking love life. Fucking romance. I should probably take a love life vacation since I've got other shit to figure out. And I would, except for two things.

1. Mr B. from my last article never texted me back which makes me feel annoyed and angry and pissed at him. Can we say the word "flakey." Whatever, over it.
2. I found out recently that T facebook chatted with one of my friends during that week he was deciding to call things off with me. She asked him if we were still hanging out and he said, "ish." Prick. Whatever, over it.
3. L. The guy I work with. Oh L.

At work yesterday everybody left early because it was Friday and no one gives a shit. So it was just me and L. During that time L told me lots and LOTS about his ex.

He wasn't really oversharing because I encouraged it (because I'm nosy as fuck). I won't get too into it because I don't want to violate his privacy, but here are the basics so you understand the situation.

1. He and his ex went out for six years.
2. He and his ex broke up in April.
3. He's currently dating another girl he met online and feeling nervous about it.

To which I responded, you're feeling nervous? No shit! You were dating someone for six years and just broke up! Jesus.

None of this would be a problem except that my wounded, crippled little heart seeks out guys like this in a Venus Flytrap-like manner.

I'm about to say something that's going to make me sound all bitchy and shitty, but goddamnit, when am I going to stop accepting strays into my heart? They never give back what they take.

I talked about this to my friend M who told me to stay away from him. He's a nice guy, but he has questionable judgment. Not to mention some pretty open wounds.

Also, another guy from work? Jesus fuck, didn't I learn my lesson last time?

I'm going to talk about this with my therapist in our next session. I don't know how to disengage feelings like this (and, to be fair, it's still a little crush, not a big one), and I'm really scared of ever falling for someone that dysfunctional again.

Working on it. We're going to get through this. I need someone who's got their shit together who's going to be super nice to me. But I also just need to admit that this is happening. I think it helps.

Besides that, everything is looking up. I'm going to be adult very soon goddamnit.

So close. So, so close.

Work Poems

So here are two poems I've written.  One is about the former place I worked, and the one I'm at now.  The difference is pretty stark, huh.

March 2013

It's a sort of hollowness

      a melancholic empty

Things aren't going right.   Nothing has.

And it's going on two years.   For a full 

twenty-two months there has been little constant

and even less certain.

But something comes into focus not.

I'm not satisfied.  Not here.  Not in this job.

Not at this company.  Not with these people.

Laid out like that, it seems harsh.  An exaggeration.

Deep down, though, I'm afraid it isn't.

I can do more, offer more, be more.  And

unfortunately there seems to be no moving up

from what I'm doing now.

Zero advancement.

I can't see a long term future here.

Of course, after 6 positions in 2 years,

long-term seems like it's hardly possible at all.

Nearly all those running production when I 

started have decided to bow out, or have been sacked.

I just wonder

should I leave 

before I'm next on the chopping block

8/21/13

Relief

It's a warmness that starts at my center

     near my heart

And expands

When I went into the office of my boss's boss

I didn't know

     why

But there was the contract

On her desk

A glance reveals the highest in the salary range

     stated by the temp agency

Giddiness 

I've made it

Two years and three months

And I finally feel 

I'm in the place I should be

Change, Men, & the End of Puberty 2.0

I've cried wolf on this before, but I've decided that this is the year I become an adult.

I've been changing a lot of things lately. Some small. Some big. All hard. Being twenty-three was a big old basket of crap. Lots of marking time and getting all of my angst out of my system. Being twenty-four hasn't been any easier, but it has been a lot more constructive.

Recent changes include:

1. Finding an apartment- Made a few calls today, we'll see.

2. Find a therapist- I scheduled an appointment in about week with this one agency, but I think I'm going to call somewhere else on Monday. It's in a city that's twenty minutes away from my house which makes it a good forty places away from where I work, and I don't know if I want to make that drive once a week.

3. Getting hired full-time at my job- Have I mentioned this was happening? Well it is, and it's almost just about official. My "first day" should be Sept. 16th.

4. Finding time to write while working full-time- we're working on this one.

5. Asking a boy I like to hang out.

Number five is the one that was giving me trouble today. Not that anything that dramatic happened. Last week I asked this guy who's a friend of a friend if he wanted to hang out sometime. He said he did and gave me his number. I gave him mine. Then I texted him and, after a couple of days, we decided to meet for coffee later this week.

The reason it's hard is because of not anything that actually happened, but because whenever I do anything I feel anxious about it and I feel guilty and I start playing worst case scenarios in my head over and over again.

It's not even A DATE and I feel nervous. I feel angsty. I feel like I should be listening to Evanescence and Skillet like back in high school. (Don't make fun of my Skillet days. It's how agnostic daughters of pastors rebel.) 

But even though it sucks and even though I feel tired and annoyed and vulnerable and like I want to sleep with everyone everywhere (Jesus, I need the opposite of an aphrodisiac), it's good. It's good because I'm dealing with shit.

I want to be an adult and, by god, I'm going to make myself be one whether I want it or not. Goodbye Puberty 2.0. You're on notice. The countdown starts now.