FlaFiOcto?

Hello lovies, yes.  I do want to do OctoFlaFicMo. Or did we call it FlaFiOcto?  I found an old tag with that… Anyway, I do not have a wonderfully ambitious goal like Anya.  I just made a goal to finish something.  It's the shortest piece I have cooking right now, but it's done!

Work has been incredibly busy, and now increasingly stressful.  It's our busy season, and with the staffing reduction, my immediate work group has two BIG clients that are now handled by 3 people instead of 4.  Oh, and I'm still working on a really tiny client (1 very wee package a month) that requires me to be doing something for it, each week… which would be fine, except I'm also working on an old client of mine who was pretty much taken care of for the year.  Until I just learned on Thursday, they want to do extra mailings and change creative.

Have a headache yet?  I haven't even gotten to the good part.  One of the BIG clients, the one I've been working on since March, is going absolutely crazy.  The account director is on maternity leave.  Which would be fine, if she actually trained the new chick they hired a few months ago who's supposed to be driving the train.  The new one is clueless. And the client had a meeting with our CEO and some bigwig there to talk about 'pricing transparency'.  This client is the only one, I think, that has a completely fixed margin that is way less than any of the other 5 clients I've worked on.

And why is that so frustrating, you ask?  Because I've been busting my ass trying to get mail out and TV spots on air on schedule, and all they see is "how expensive" we are compared to working directly with production vendors.  Um.  Yeah, of course we're more expensive.  We're providing strategy, direction, proofing, coordination and taking care of all the other issues that come up.  And then, when they decide to change their logo (a major brand change! without giving us clear brand guidelines!) one day before art is due to go to the vendor, we're slapped on the hand for saying making the logo change could delay your mail date.

What what what?  Account team, what are you doing??  Control these crazies!

Oh, and I have to work today (Sunday) on 2 of the 7 art collects that are due next week.  For those of you who might be unfamiliar, that's 7 completely different mail packages that I create the instructions on how to set up the art for production. Thankfully, 4 are already in queue for prepress (the graphic designer) to work on.  I was going to work on the 2 art collects on Friday, but the client decided to freak out about the mail plan, have a meeting, change wording that affects 4 packages, and give me heart palpitations (ok - just a raging headache).  So yeah.  Couldn't get to that.

Did we just become best friends?

 As I’m sure you know, I’ve had a bit of a problem of late. And that would be the lack of friends I have in the general vicinity of where I live.  The people I’m closest too are flung across the country (and world).  When the closest friend I had made after college moved from my Midwest locale to the eastern seaboard, I was left generally alone. 

It wasn’t too bad for a while.  I had a shit-ton of work to keep me busy for the first couple months, and then I was making and selling lots of jewelry, and then it was the holidays.  After that, spending time with family and going to YR events kept me occupied.  But it wasn’t the same.  I didn’t really have anyone that I would go see movies with or go shopping or drinking. 

I mean, other than my mom.  We saw Guardians of the Galaxy last weekend, and that was lovely.  But you know what I mean. 

Last night I went to a YR happy hour expecting it to be the usual outing.  Meet up with like-minded people.  Hope new, reasonable attractive guys wander in.  Act like I have some semblance of a social life. But last night was more like the happy hours I went to when my friend J lived here.  A happy hour that rolls into a nine-hour jaunt at three different bars.

I met two girls, actually my age, and after grabbing dinner at the initial HH location, we went to another bar in Soulard.  A couple strawberry ciders later, and I think it’s a grand idea for us to go to Ballpark Village downtown.  So the three of us cab it there and party it up. 

C generously offered B and I accommodations for the night at her apartment.  Which is lucky, because I didn’t need to drive the 45 minutes home after the festivities.

And I couldn’t help it.  As I settled on to her couch to catch 6 hours of sleep, I thought finally.  I’ve made some new friends.

I mean dancing it up until 3 am, watching C ride a mechanical bull, meeting a soccer player from Scotland, and making eyes at every cute guy on the dance floor, makes you friends, right?

Giving Up

Yesterday, I read an article that said that you chart the trajectory for your entire life in your twenties. Fuck. No one told me there was going to be such a rigid time limit!

One of the most sobering things about getting older is realizing you can't do everything. If I could live a million lifetimes I would become a rock star, be a visual artist, and go into computer science because holy shit do they make money.

About a month ago, I realized I hadn't written any new fiction in, well, mostly forever and half. This is coming over the worst dry spell of my entire life. A six month period where I wrote pretty much nothing. No new stories for the blog, no fiction, only ad copy for work.

I chose writing for my career not because it's the thing I'm best at, not because it was my "Marketable Skill", but because it was the thing I couldn't stand to give up.

But now it feels like that noise in my head which has driven me to create since I could first put a story together has become quieter, dulled by the 40 hour work week.

Also (and I am not complaining about this AT ALL), being in love takes work. Our six month anniversary is coming up and things are great between us, but he fills up nights that would otherwise be spent in coffee shops.

This summer is wrapping up with me realizing there are five things I want to do right now.They are:

1. Keep in touch with friends & family
2. Be in love with boyfriend
3. Stay in shape
4. Write like a demon
5. Work

I can't do them all. At least if I want to sleep. (And I do want to sleep.)

So what to give up? Can't be friends and family (obviously). Can't not make money. Need to work out. Want to be in love. So what remains?

A hard choice. Maybe one I can go back on, but for now I am letting go. It's a part of growing up. Time to put an end to a childish fantasy I've been entertaining for far too long. No tears now. Be brave.

I gave up working. At least, full-time.

Yup, as though you ever needed further proof that I am a capricious, obnoxious child unable to do things that every responsible adult everywhere does all the time, I'm giving up work. (Do you hate me yet?)

But, fuck it. I've got no kids, minimal debt(ish), and only one live to live so starting next week I'll be working just under 29 hours and making enough to at least ensure I don't end up homeless. I'll be doing some freelancing to fill in the gaps and throwing myself back into fiction writing with tremendous verve.

Let's face it, if I want to get published someday, I need to stop fucking around with this day job bullshit. Also, I don't give a flying fuck about folders. I said it, I SAID IT!

To (mis)quote a wise, somewhat fictional man, "There may come a day where I give up on writing. This is not that day."

I will be a writer until there is no blood left in my body. And yes, I'm sure I'll have my nose back at the grindstone before long.

Until then, I'm going to be young goddamnit.

Break/Point

What is the point/
at which you / break
down / trodden under foot
of the rolling / machine
of work
it never / stops / or slows
/ just more
now more is too / much
and break/age begins
/ to wear / down
your resolve/
your reserve/
your / self
it's just too / hard
to handle / all
pieces / parts you juggle
things / you control
but / control isn't / real
you should / be realistic
/ control is something you
never really had / is it
you are / a cog
in a group / of larger cogs
that spin / whir
and work
until / you reach
the / point
you / break

Caution: Geese Nesting

I drive up to the roof of the parking structure.  It's a Monday and finally a nice day in March.  We've had a horrible winter and I want to enjoy as much of the outdoors as I can.  Even if it's only as I walk into the office building in the morning and out in the evening. 

But I am greeted by beady eyes.  Black.  Soulless.  The small head pivots as I drive by the median in the middle of the parking lot: it’s new perch.  It’s watching me.

I watch back as I gather my bags from the safety of my car.  Keeping it’s gaze, I slide out of my vehicle.  The connection is broken as I walk around my car.  It’s not that far to the glass door of the stairwell. 

I walk out into the open of the rooftop parking.  Making a break for the stairs.  But I don’t run.  What if it gets spooked?  What if it flies at me, beating those gray wings the pointed black beak aiming for my face? 

Don’t geese attack people?  The thought pounds in my head.

But we just stare.  I reach the door and safety.  The stairwell is enclosed by glass paneling.  I won’t see open air until I’m down a level on the ground ready to cross the street to my office building.  And the goose won’t see me.  As long as he doesn’t move.  And he doesn’t.

Monday Evening

It has been another day at work, and I forgot about the staring contest from the morning until I step outside again. 

Surely he’s not still there.  Surely. 

I am sure when I am inside the glass of the stairwell on the roof.  No goose.

Driving to the gym, which is in another office building in the corporate park where I work, I forget again. 

I decide to go for a jog outside today.  It’s still beautiful outside and after how cold it’s been, I’m longing to be outside. 

I’ve never run the trails that connect the handful of offices.  Or half-run / half-walk as I actually do.  It’s intervals.  And I get tired.

I’m walking around the lake easing into a jog as I approach a downward slope.  Okay, maybe I do most of my running downhill.  And I see the sign.  Caution Geese Nesting. With a silhouette of a goose.  In case I had never seen one.

Wouldn’t that have been nice to know eight hours ago.

pretty sure I'm doing it wrong

So I'm pretty sure I'm doing this dating thing wrong.  Or something.

I've gone on a few dates with this one guy I met at a bar/coffee shop/ restaurant.  Our last date ended awkwardly.  Mostly because of a comment he made after we kissed for the first time.  Maybe a little because I'm the generally awkward person that I am.

Anyway, after we haven't had any contact.  I was unhappy at the comment he made, so I thought, fine YOU text me if you want.  Oh, I forgot to mention, I was the one to initiate texting and hanging out and such after he initially asked me out.  Which I thought was weird.  Or at least I hoped he would text first if he still wanted to see me.

But he hasn't.

And the weirder thing is, I'm kind of okay with it.  I should clarify that it's not that I didn't want him to call.  But.  I'm not sure I really clicked with him.  He was nice enough.  And it was really lovely being taken out to dinner and even getting my ass kicked at bowling.  But.. I don't know, it's hard to articulate.  Because whatever is supposed to be there, was not.


But wait - dear reader - there's something else I'm doing wrong.  Horribly wrong.  I actually have a pretty bad track record with this.

Being attracted to unavailable guys.

There was this guy I met at a happy hour a couple weeks ago.  And he's kinda cute and a doctor and a ginger and has just a touch of a Southern twang.  Oh, and he's got a girlfriend.

Well, Valentine's Day I went to this event at a bar.  And he and his girlfriend were there.  And god, we just got along so well.  He laughs at my jokes and we are both excited for Mardi Gras and… that thing that wasn't there with the other guy, it's there.  Or at least I think it is.

But like I said, he's got a girlfriend.  And she's this tiny adorable little thing that kinda makes me sick.  But she's actually really nice.  And she laughs at my jokes apparently too.  (The three of us got tacos at this magically wonderful taco place after drinks.)  So it's strange.  Cause I can't quite hate her.

So anyway.  That's what's going on with me right now.  Looking for love and I'm pretty sure I'm doing it all wrong.

January will end soon

Hey,

Sorry I have been gone. Graduate school applications, work, and personal issues were really tying up what little time I had. Exacerbate this with the holidays and it was a clusterfuck of sleep deprivation.

My main reason for posting this is to tell you guys I was in car accident last month that totaled my car and gave me really painful injuries. My friends kid was in the car and sent to the hospital. I have a bruised stomach, whiplash, and a slipped disc in my lower vertebrae. Tomorrow I am going to physical therapy and am on muscle relaxers. I am doing much better than a month ago when I was on bed rest and could not leave the apartment.

Now I am a month behind on graduate school apps that are due February 1st. After that time and more recovery I will be well enough to post quality stuff. My new years resolution was to read more and write more. Will definitely follow through on that.

Just need to keep telling myself: January will soon be over.

Skype soon,
Cylon