I'm going to try to keep this post short, because I feel like I have a whole novel's worth of feelings inside of me.
Things have been good in a lot of ways recently, but in others they have been not as good. The good= family, friends, boyfriend, personal life.
The bad=work and anxiety. Lots of anxiety.
It all came to a head when I went in for a recent's doctor appointment (trying to get everything done while I'm under my parent's health insurance for another month) and ended up crying hysterically.
Fortunately, the doctor is a family friend and is nice, He said he could prescribe me anti-anxiety medication. I've been resistant to this option thus far because every time I go into therapy, everything seems to get better and I feel like maybe it's gone. Maybe I don't have anxiety anymore.
But the other day I was looking at timehop (which I have since uninstalled from my phone) and realized just how many happy looking pictures I see of myself where I recall feeling miserable.
Weddings and birthdays and baby showers and holidays. Why do I remember escaping to the bathroom to cry or freaking out about how many calories where in that piece of cake?
Because anxiety.
And, of course, the worst part is that once you decided to get help it is a PAIN IN THE ASS to figure out insurance shit and where I'm covered, blah blah blah.
So, anyway, today I am making the call to my doctor to get anti-anxiety medication. (After I check with some insurance stuff with my parents.)
I have been thinking the most awful things about myself the last couple of weeks.That I'm selfish and weak and that everybody hates me. I don't want to think those things anymore.
So wish me luck. It's supposed to be pretty low impact, but I don't know what to expect. I'm going to try and get into therapy soon though that might take another couple of weeks.
Also, I should probably quit my job because it daily drains me of all my self esteem. But that's proving harder than I thought.
One step at a time.
