Friends WITHOUT Benefits -or- How I Stopped Worrying and Realized My Ex Will Always Be An Asshole

I've been putting off writing this for a couple of days because I did something that's not going to make any of you particularly happy with me. I decided to try and be friends with W.

I'll cut to the end quick and spare the suspense. It was not a rewarding experience. We are not friends.

Let me back up. About a week ago I wrote him this really long message saying that I felt like a lot of time had passed and that I was interesting in maybe starting being friends again. Well, friendly acquaintances, at least. I said that maybe if one of us was in the same city we could meet up and maybe have coffee.

He responded with a two sentence message that said, "If that's what you want" and "I think you'll be disappointed by how much I haven't changed." He also friended me on facebook. I wrote something short back. It was all good.

For like 24 hours.

A day later I messaged him back and said that I didn't feel right about the whole situation. I said that it didn't feel like he was really that interested in being my friend, and that was okay, but that I didn't want to be chasing someone's friendship. Then I said that if ever wanted to get back in contact with me it was okay, but it just didn't feel like this was right at this point in time.

Yes, that was a mistake, but it also came from the best of intentions and phrased in the most polite, positive way ever. This is when the CRAZY set in and W and I exchanged a number of message so ridiculous and frustrating that I went from feeling honestly okay about our breakup and our continued existence on the same planet to be murderously angry at him.

A galactic eon could pass during the time it would take me to develop an algorithm to calculate exactly what transpired in that conversation, so let me sum up the highlights.

1. He said he didn't feel one way or another about being my friend. He said that he felt no shame or guilt over the breakup, but he would feel extremely uncomfortable meeting in public.

2. At one point I said that it felt like he was trying to spare my feelings. He said that he wasn't and, quite the opposite in fact, he DID NOT care about my feelings and was going to be selfish.

3. The high point was when he said he might like to be friends with me because he liked talking to me and I was a good person.

4. He said that talking to me online was less scary because it was like conversing with a diary that talks back to him.

5. I finally came out and said that I did not like the way he was treating me and that I didn't understand why he kept saying he intended to be selfish and didn't care about me. I said I didn't like it and that I had tried really hard to be honest and good to him since our breakup and didn't think he had afforded me the same courtesy. I ended with, "I do not appreciate it. It is not kind."

6. He responded by saying that what he meant when he said he felt no emotion one way or another about being friends with me he MEANT that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be friends or not. He went on to say that he didn't appreciate me acting like he was a freak for being honest and the question of us being friends was one of whether or not we could let go of the emotional baggage between us.

If you didn't follow any of that, it's okay. I barely did and I was there. Goddamn, every single time he talked to me on facebook I had to take at least half a day to calm down enough to even try to talk to him. At first I was angry, then I got really upset because at one point he said something like, "Friendship is just something that exists for me and takes no effort. It's my favorite thing in the world. Obviously you feel differently." Which hurt because friendship is, perhaps, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING to me. I try really hard to be a good friend and for him to imply that I didn't care about it or didn't want it was SUPER SHITTY. Especially since I was the one that initiated these GODDAMN CONVERSATIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Sorry, the caps are down I swear.

We also had an interesting little discussions where said something like, "I hurt you enough when I broke up with you."

Excuse me? When you broke up with me? You "hurt me enough"? What? What what what?

My god, it was obviously a mutual breakup. What a dingus. How weird that he feels the need to take ownership of that decision. Also, ASSHOLE.

Anyway, after I wrote him my very cold message about not appreciating the way he treated me, I stopped talking to him. His last message is sitting unanswered in my inbox and there it shall sit for the end of time because I have realized that he is not someone I want to waste any more time on.

W is crazy. I never realized exactly how crazy until this moment. He's obviously guilty as fuck otherwise he wouldn't be too much of a pussy-ass-bitch to meet me in person. You'll have to forgive my French, I call them like I see them.

This whole experience has been good in a way because it makes me realize a couple of things. Firstly, that W is and was emotionally abusive. It's something I've really only put together a couple of times since our breakup, but now there is no doubt in my mind. It's not just that's he stupid or bad at everything interpersonal, he is trying to control me my preying on my politeness and courtesy. He's a completely and total dick and I would rather be friends with a rabid mutant badger with a bad case of hit by a truck than him.

The other thing that I realize is that I don't put up with shit like that anymore. I finally am in a place where I can recognize exactly how shitty he's being and exactly how much I don't want or need that in my life. Now I won't ever wonder if I want to be friends again, I know. W is a bad person and I don't care for him. He is at a loss in this situation because he never gets to be near my magical amazing vagina ever again. His penis is substandard, and we both know it.

I know I'm coming off as extremely angry in this post, but I actually feel good. I know this anger will pass in a couple of days and I will be extremely happy spending the rest of my life not caring what W cares about any given topic, including me. He, on the other hand, is obviously carrying some crazy-ass baggage around with him.

Anyway, I figured I ought to come clean to all of you. I love you all so much and I'm so happy I have such awesome amazing people in my life. Thanks for sticking by me through everything. Also, for the record, you were totally right about him.

Poemsies!

I also write poetry at work, when given promptings from Cerasi.

Squander

Spend it

Use it 

Fritter it away

 Lose it

Waste it

It can't stay

It's too bad, really

It's a shame 

It's your mistake

You're to blame

Someone else will use it

Someone else will care

Someone will see the talents

                I've yet to share

Daybreak

happens every morning

the breaking

of day

it's a start

fresh

bright and new and 

broken

we start broken

like eggs

for an omelet

it's only a little cracking 

it has to happen

we have to break first

to begin

Design.

So when I'm not busy at work a couple things can happen.  I stare at Pinterest for hours, I play games on my phone, or I use Photoshop CS6 to hone my design skills on completely random creations.  

This comes from a quote from a book I've been reading: Three for the Money by Janet Evanovich.  It really resonated with me.  

And this is one of my favorite movie speeches of all time.  Dear, Samwise Gamgee.  For those unfamiliar (Ada... seriously, why have you not read or seen these yet?  I feel I've failed as a former roomie...) this comes from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  

Self Esteem Poems

Seeing Cylon posting again got me all riled up in my literary blood. I thought I'd post a few poems I wrote, that all about self-esteem, self-worth, and keep strong in convictions. (Okay, except for Romantic Amnesia, which is just random.)

Something to note about these poems, I wrote them around the time I was going through my most recent troubles at work. I hope you enjoy them. I am not attached to any of the titles at all. I just always feel about showing people poems that aren't titled. Enjoy!

Bad Winner

To be a sore loser is no great feat,

but few understand

the certain kind of melancholy

that comes with victory.

A vanquished foe,

in repose, sculpture of a fallen Gaul, a cephalophore,

so lovely in imagination,

never as nice in real life.

For with victory comes guilt,

and fear,

and that moment you realize your foe is human

                which

you suspected all along.

No one looks as pathetic as they do in defeat,

and blood is much more difficult

to wash from your skirt

then the daises you were busy

collecting.

Romantic Amnesia

I don’t recall that moment

when we fell in love,

                but darling don’t be offended.

I’ve a terrible memory

for dictators.

Complete

Sweetness, it seems,

is not the only part of me.

Nor the darkness,

Nor the anger,

Nor the niceness,

And caring heart,

And bleeding soul,

Or the scythe I keep in the closet

                (just in case, just in case).

No, it seems I am not divisible,

cannot divorce the gorgeous from the ugly,

                moral from malevolent,

                nice from vicious.

Perhaps that’s okay,

                the blossom that grows in the bone yard

                is all the lovelier for it.

And the bone yard will protect it,

as it grows.

Dawn

Today, I am steel.

Confusing, perhaps, (I was smoke yesterday),

                but today I am decidedly un-ethereal.

I was love, yesterday, a fountain of light,

                but today. Today, I am

unshakeable.

Solid as stone,

Thick as thorns,

Strong as the undercurrents

                of oceanic trenches.

Yesterday,

                I was wilting.

Today,

                you would be wise

                to tread on soft soles.

Love/Hate I

I am considering doing a weekly love/hate series to expand my nonfiction challenges and extremes in my life. Here is the first post. Damn I am on a writing roll lately:

HATE:

My Reliance on Make Up to Feel Beautiful

I would say 90% of the day I am awake I am wearing makeup. Thirty minutes each and every day is used to cover my face. My routine:

Wash face in shower

Moisturize

Facial Primer

Foundation 1

Foundation 2

Concealer 1

Concealer 2

Matte

Blush

Eye Primer

Eyeshadow

Liquid Eyeliner

Solid Eyeliner

Lash Primer

Mascara

After all this I still see flaws. My new primer does not hide my redness enough so my blush cannot contour. A Shaky hand guides an uneven brown line around my eye. Sometimes I run out of one concealer so I use more matte.

Five years ago I never wore makeup. I was too busy and too focused on school to really care what others thought. My last year was when I was bare faced all the time while my female peers sported glitter eyelashes. Makeup was this thing that seemed so distant to me.

So when I first entered college I came in with my father’s advice of becoming a whole different person.  ‘Become someone else, nobody will know’ sort of logic. Going into makeup with no guidance I relied on stolen powder from my mother to hide my redness. At this point I had never had a zit or acne problem in my life so thankfully I did not have to deal with that extra challenge.

My first experiment with makeup was buying inexpensive Sephora eyeshadows. Proudly I would go to my middle school with sludged on bright blue or green eyeshadow. By the end of the day I wiped my eyes so much that I would only have one eye worth of eyeshadow left. Somehow all the other girls knew how to put on makeup except me. Their mothers probably taught them along with the sex talk.

Never have I been serious about makeup. I would use it to enhance hide my redness, wear red lipstick to big events and liked eyeliner for the way it enhanced my eyes. Rarely did I go out without make up on until over a year ago.

I was walking out of a shoe store with a friend. These three teenage boys and a girl were sitting in a car. They were pointing and laughing at me which I did not care about. At the time I was wearing simple jeans, sweater and converse. No makeup and no fuss about my currently long hair. Unfortunately my car was right next to theirs. So I walked up to my car, which they must have taken as a sign of me charging them and backed out of the space. We were in the biggest shopping center in my town on a busy day when they yelled:

“Fuck you, you fat ugly pig.”

My friend and I were mortified. This was not the first time someone called me those things, but I felt so violated. Right afterwards I went and got my monthly waxing. From that day on I have not left my house without makeup and nice clothes on. Its an annoying habit but I at least if someone insults me in public again they cannot say “ugly.”

After that point I also followed blogs and picked up any fashion tips I could. At that point my makeup was usually eyeliner, concealer, and matte. After that my whole look became denser with makeup. I kept a strict schedule of haircuts and kept my hair short, easier to groom. My makeup and hair routine went from 10 minutes to nearly an hour with the hair.

This is an hour I could read a book. This is an hour I could be talking with friends.

I have faced in the past and made it my own. My hair is currently fabulous and I love it short. My makeup has become my new artistic expression in absence of my usual painters easel and oils.

LOVE:

Not myself, but the person I have molded myself into. Myself is still too hard to grasp.

Future Fighters II

        J. Adonai: "So I looked up, thinking she was one of the immortal monsters. When I was growing up, we were told those immortals that came were giant monsters that built palaces to lure princesses. Princesses love palaces right? So I figured the princess part was fairy tale, but the only thing that could live out there with so little stuff are monsters."

        Interviewer: "Were they monsters?"

        J. Adonai: "Usually monsters have terrible skin, disgusting breath and nastiness. Do monsters resemble the angels in my books?"

      Interviewer: "What did the little girl look like?"

        J. Adonai: "She had white hair, but not like an old lady. Maybe she was around twelve, but she still looked like a doll. Her eyes were light brown and she wore a crystal around her neck. Her clothes, I've never seen them before. They floated even when there was no wind."

        J. Adonai began to cry. The interviewer handed him a tissue.

        J. Adonai: "Her eyes reminded me of walking all the beach with my ex-wife and daughter. How we used to be so in love. All my memories were in that crystal. Everything I was. She smiled and I couldn't help but smile. Shit I haven't cried since my dad died."

      Interviewer: "How long ago was that?"

        J. Adonai: "Twenty years ago probably. Who keeps track? She was beautiful like a woman, sweet like a kid. Next thing I know, she's leading me somewhere. Look around and it looks like my home planet. Green, full of birds, except when I look to my right there is a giant palace like the kings and queens have. The kid took me inside and I don't remember anything else."

      Interviewer: "Thank you very much for your participation Mr Adonai. You will be escorted out. Your confession will help the Grande Universe."

Future Fighters

I came up with this in the middle of the night. Enjoy! Happy 2013!

They came one day and did not leave. Every one of them were gorgeous, immortal, powerful. Most have not seen them for good reason. Hiding at the edge of the universe to create their own worlds. Mortals left them alone out of fear of the unknown.  Ten castles were built for them. Odd thing was the lack of materials on the edge of the universe.

After a thousand years of silence from these people, they became myth. What happened next is the account of J. Adonai of the Grande Universe Patrol unit. His cruiser was accidentally sucked into the gravity of one of their planets.

J. Adonai: “So we were doing our regulars, see? Its when you go around the universe where we live to find suspicious activity. Everyday we take a bet to see who can get the closest to the mystery planet. This has been going on for ten years. I guess I got too close.”

Interviewer: “What was the first thing you saw when you landed?”

J. Adonai: “So I landed. The ground was as soft as a real planet, with grass I mean. It smells like a real planet. Nitrogen levels were right so I could breathe the air. Looks like a regular planet so I took off my face guard, but not my whole helmet. Walked around a bit. Thought I got caught in one of the asteroids. Next thing, a little girl taps my shoulder.”

Interviewer: “Give me as much detail as possible.”